GnomCorp labs announce successful field test.

[DoS Archive]

From: gnrtdrgoon@aol.com (GnrtDrgoon)
Date: 08 Feb 2003 16:05:20 EST

GnomCorp Laboratories announce successful breakthrough in Animatronics.

Necromantic Gnome Scientists bring life to the dead.

Saturday, February 8, 2003

KALNAR(DZN) -- Last night, the Gnome scientists from GnomCorp had a successful test run on bringing a dead body to life, proving that even after death, a person can have their uses.

"We'd been studying possible uses for expired persons for a little while now. One cannot rely completely on their magical abilities, so we wished to know what other options were available to us in case of Mana breakdown." GnomCorp head Oglethorpe Ogie says. "We can't always rely on vampires."

When questioned about why their test run happened to be during the ATR vs MRC match up in the Team Dueling League, Oglethorpe replied, "Well, we had already practiced a few minor tests. Walking, basic motor control. And we had decided that a more action orientated test was needed. The fact that the body in question was a free agent in the league gave us that opportunity to test combat abilities. Successfully, I might add."

It turned out that the body in question happened to be one Charlie Jericho, who perished in a dueling accident some months ago. When asked how GnomCorp managed to get hold of the body, he replied with "Well, we'd been in and out of the Golden Ivy Tavern since Mr. Talanador had opened the alliance with us. We noticed some time ago he had a body in his freezer. We figured he was keeping it there due to funeral costs so decided we could actually make scientific use of the deceased. We don't think he will mind."

G'nort Dragoon-Talanador was unavailable for comment.

Oglethorpe was then asked why a combat test was needed. "Well, we'd like to make sure that these bodies have more uses than just your average run of the mill mindless automatons. A structural integrity and combat ability test was needed. If you animate a skeleton, one strong hit will shatter them. A zombie, strong, but far too slow to be very useful. After that, you mainly have undead with minds of their own and they don't do what you tell them. Our combat run was very successful when you note that the Former Ms. Jericho was successful in her match."

We don't know if we could consider this to be a good thing. Also, it should be noted that Ms. Jericho was controlled via remote device by one of the technicians working on the project, which we learned was called "Project Imotep."

The common consensus from witnesses of the match last evening ranged from disinterest, to downright disgust.

"It's a heinous act, I tell you!" says MRC fan Claudius Bacurus Delthaii. "You can't be letting the dead come in and fight a match for you! It was the gnome who was running it. You should let the dead stay dead. More respectful!"

"Eh, the dead woman won. Who cares if she was dead or alive." Said ATR fan Minnie Dolenz. "Sure, it was kinda gross and icky, but, I've seen much worse in these parts. What happens happens."

"Amateurs" Team Twilight Captain Etherian Esperwind was overheard as saying, we assume in response to seeing the undead Ms. Jericho having been reanimated by GnomCorp technology.

In any case, seeing the dead running around is nothing new to either the land, or the Team Dueling League. After all, one must point fingers and reference the former team Restless Dead, who were composed [Or decomposed] completely of undead beings.


Copyright 2002 DZN.  All Rights Reserved.  This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.  The National Press contributed to this report.

(This is a news report. Imagine it as if you were reading the newspaper, or like reading CNN.com or something. ;) It's intent is to be entertaining. )