Peace : At what price? (Lucian)

[DoS Archive]

From: xxlucianxx@aol.com (XxLucianxX)
Date: 23 Jun 1998 18:19:33 EDT


Valjean walked the streets of Paris. The evening was quiet and the sky dark, but his thought were filled with the wailing agonies of his great burden. As his legs moves him through the streets, his mind was stuck in an all too familiar cycle.. replaying the memories.. tormenting himself.. He was unable to stop it.

In these times, the one who was called Valjean had not yet found solace in the strength and wisdom of the god Odin, nor, perhaps more importantly, within himself. He was a wanderer. He was looking for something so elusive that at times he didn't even realize it. Maybe he wasn't looking for anything at all. Valjean wasn't sure.. he just wanted to put an end to this pain.

The night had taken its toll, and Valjean slept. Perhaps he slept.. his vision was wavering in a dreamlike state, and his surroundings seemed unfamiliar. Of course he was dreaming, so he must be asleep. As he walked through his dreamscape he was able to see himself. Young, thin with hunger, deep sunken eyes.. His form walked quietly through a marshy landscape and into a poorly lit cave. He sat, looking about a moment.

As he glanced, he noticed a flickering shadow in a recess of the cave. Valjean approached, and the dark form moved outward from the cave's darkness and into the dim light. Cloaked in black, the figure was approximately the size of Valjean.

"What figure is this, hiding in this cave of dreams?" inquired Valjean. "You know me, as well as I know you. This is no cave of dreams, and you do not meet me by chance." Valjean, baffled, took a step back. The voice was so familiar, and the words carried an air of unquestionable truth about them. Valjean balked at issuing a retort, but managed to do so anyway. "How
foolish do you think I am? I am not so ignorant as to not see this for what it is.. a dream! And, how else would I meet such a phantasm as yourself in this dream state, were it not by chance?" The question caused a tension to build up inside Valjean.. he knew the answer, unconciously, and it scared him.

"You ask, yet you already know. I am the answer to your pain. I hold the only relief for your sorrows. I am here to help you, if only you allow me," said the phantasm, in an eerie tone, so familiar.. Valjean, losing all of his skepticism and reluctance at this statement, foolishly replied, "It cannot be true! What is the answer, tell me! I will do whatever it takes to
rid myself of these sleepless nights! I cannot think of her one more time.. My failure.. my..," a tear rolled down Valjean's cheek. He raised a finger and touched it, and the sensation was real. He knew that this was not merely a dream.

"There is but one way, and it is simple. Know that what pains you, pains me also, and I seek only to eliminate the source of our agonies. Are you willing to accept my aid?" The words were unresistable, and Valjean simply nodded, hanging on the every word of this god-sent spectre. The dark figure raised a hand from the fold of his cloak. He held forth a small vial,
containing a shimmering blue liquid.

Valjean's eyes were drawn to the vial ; within he could sense the peacefulness, the bliss.. he was drawn to it. "The answer to our suffering is simple. All you must do is drink of this, and we will be at peace. It is water from the river Lethe. Withit, all of your memories will be washed away, and the pain will end." The figure placed the vial in Valjean's hand, or
perhaps Valjean took it himself, the detail is unimportant. His eyes fixed on the vial, he said, "My memories..? All of them? But.. I.." He thought of his dear mother, and his sister.. the joyous times he had in his youth.. The dark figure spoke so softly, but the words rang clear to Valjean. "Your mother and your sister.. You are reluctant to rid yourself of those fond memories. I ask you to consider this :
Would it not be worth it, to continue your life, free of the constant pain? You would not even realize you had forgotten as you lived a *normal* life, unaffected by the demons of your past. Is that not your heart's true desire?"

Was it his true desire? Isn't *this* what he had been looking for? A way to escape the pain? The torment? If only he could forget, he would sleep peacefully at night. What if he did forget about his mother, and his sister.. what of it? He would never even know.. Valjean raises the vial to his eye and looked into it. His hand trembled as his eyes reflected the sparkling liquid. "Lethe," he whispered. "But I.. what if.. Sara may still
be alive.. I.. she may need me somewhere.." The dark figure said to Valjean in quiet consolation, "So what if she is? It has been so long, she has surely forgotten you. Why not drink, and forget her as well. You would both be better off, ignorant of each other's existance. Why suffer for the rest of your days for such an insignifigant hope? If one could even consider that hope. Drink, forget, and live.."


Valjean's hand trembled furiously as the vial approached his lips. Tears welled in his eyes as he remembered his beautiful sister.. their uncanny love and friendship.. his kind, caring mother.. his mother's lifeless body.. his sister, vanished, and he wasn't there to help her! Why?! His breath was labored and he felt weak. Perhaps this would be his only chance.. he must take it, musn't he..? He would not regret what he never knew.

His hand trembled once more.. the vial approached his lips. He closed his eyes and his mind was spinning furiously, although at the same time numb. His hand stopped tremblling and for a moment, everything was still. *Almost* everything. Slowly, the vial of Lethe fell from his hand, crashing with an incomprehensible volume, not only to the ear, but to Valjean's heart. Spilt upon the rocks of the cave was the Lethe, and his chance to forget.
"No.." he said, glancing down in quiet refusal..



And the searching continued.