Proclamation From Your New Diamond!

[DoF Archive]

Date: 4/13/2003 11:59 PM Eastern Daylight Time
From: HarrisTheHeckler



I, Harris D'Artainian, have finally won that big shiny rock.  And along with it comes my rules, naturally.  Of course you don't have to follow them, but don't blame me if an elite group of rabid llama paratroopers drops in while you're making love to yourself. 

Rule #1

Much like the famed blarney stone my ring must be kissed.  And if you slobber on it you better make sure to wipe it off with a handkerchief or something. 

Rule #2

If we fight I win.  It's pretty straightforward.  You stand there, I hit you.  Hey, I've earned it, damnit!  I'm too lazy for moving anyway.

Rule #3

Sacrifice me a virgin every fortnight.  Granted it's bound to be difficult to find an actual virgin in this town but if you manage to do so don't you think you're doing them a favor?  I mean, who's still a virgin in RhyDin?  No, I'm not, for those of you curious.

Rule #4

Topless Tuesdays!!  You heard it here first folks!  Everybody goes topless on Tuesdays!  Is there anything better?  Mmm... melons...

Rule #5

Feed me.  I eat almost anything.  Nachos, peanuts, chocolate cake, babies, doorknobs, watermelon, pancakes, waffles, waffle irons, beans, corn, anything strained, chips, hot dogs, hamburgers, cats, paper plates, steak, radishes, oranges, pineapples, cod, trout, toes, pizza, noodles, french fries, mustard, fig newtons, peanut butter, skirts, handcuffs, pork chops, watches, rubies, country fried steak, Tareth's left leg, etc.

Yeah.  So follow my rules or incur my wrath.  Insert fist shaking here.

~Harris D'Artainian
  33rd Diamond of the DoF