From: novagreys@aol.com (Nova GreyS)
Date: 25 Dec 2003 11:28:13 EST
Because No One Demanded it!
How Nova, Rix, Sartan (and maybe Harris) Spent the Holidays (Again)
The streets were bustling with holiday shoppers and crazy people, though the two were often indistinguishable from one another. The sidewalks were drowned in a sea of humanity, all shapes and sizes - the fat ones, the fatter ones, the skinny ones, the short ones, the tall ones - each one of them clearly alive with the Christmas spirit.
"Ow!"
"What now?" Nova Grey Shadow stopped pushing his way through the crowds so he could turn and check on his friend.
"Some lady just elbowed me in the head," Verceterix 'Rix' Favre rubbed the offended area as he whined.
"So elbow her back."
"I tried. I missed."
"Ah well, it's the thought that counts for Christmas time. Anyway, you were saying?"
"Right," Rix looked back down at the book he was reading, once again ignoring the bustling crowd around him.
"It says here," he read aloud as he waited for Nova to part the sea of unwashed Christmas shoppers ahead of them, "that if Santa were real, the laws of physics would make it impossible for him to deliver all of those presents in one night."
"What do you mean?" Nova asked as he shoved a particularly portly woman out of the way.
"Well, it says that the sleigh would have to move at 625 miles per second, while Santa made 822 deliveries per second. The sleigh would be carrying 321 THOUSAND TONS…."
"That's a lot of weight. That's like five or six Rixes," Nova interrupted.
"I thought you said you would stop making fun of my weight for the holidays. Besides, I'm slimming down."
"I said I'd stop making fun of your weight for my New Year's resolution. Three years ago. Anyway, you're so big, every time I try to insult you, I end up hitting that huge stomach of yours anyway."
Rix ignored Nova and returned to reading loud enough so that Nova could hear him over the noise of the crowd.
"In short, the reindeer traveling that fast would absorb so much energy that they would burst into flames instantly. They would be vaporized in 4 one-thousandths of a second. Santa would be pinned to his sleigh by 4 million pounds of force."
Nova stopped in front of a storefront where people had gathered to admire objects of Christmas pleasure they could never hope to afford (without no interest financing until next summer). Rix continued reading aloud.
"In conclusion, if Santa were ever real, his skin was burned off of his body, his bones were pulverized and he's now very much dead. A victim of physics."
It was as if a great calm suddenly descended upon the masses around them. It had become so quiet, one could actually hear Rix sucking his own foot into his very big mouth.
"Uh, I'm standing right here, you didn't have to shout that," Nova said quietly. The children around the window had begun to sniffle and cry.
"Santa had his skin burned off, mommy?" a tiny voice could be heard.
"Santa's DEAD!?!" a shrill cry went up from the back of the crowd.
The dread of the season's secret was palpable as parents tried to console their children.
"Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus," a father started.
"But he's DEAD!" came his child's reply.
"No, no, no, Santa's still going to come on Christmas. I promise!"
"You mean Santa's a ghost?"
"No!"
"Santa's an undead vampire!?"
A mother's reply was drowned out by the horrified screeching of at least twenty children.
"Um, I think we better get out of here," Nova whispered.
Rix tucked the book under his arm and they both walked away with all the innocence of children on an undead vampire Santa's "Nice" list.
The Annual Christmas Spectacular # 2.5
A Summer's Christmas in Brazil
-or-
Beating a Dead Reindeer
The North Pole: Where the Magic Happens™ -
"Hey, Earl! Donner's stall needs to be cleaned!"
"C'mon, I just cleaned it an hour ago!" Earl sighed as he got up from his chair. An elf's work was never done.
The stables were mostly deserted that night, as many of the elves were preparing for the Hap-Happiest Time of the Year - now barely a week away. Stablehands were the only ones allowed to see the reindeer in December; honestly, most of them would have preferred not to see any reindeer ever again. Nervous stomachs and poor diets contributed to a rather substantial … workload for the elves of Santa's Aeronautical Delivery Division.
Earl picked up a shovel and worked his way over to Donner's stall.
"You do this just to spite me, don't you?" he asked the reindeer.
Donner grunted and continued eating his dinner, a mix of raw cabbage (the secret to reindeer flight), peppermint (the secret to make being near a flying reindeer bearable) and grain.
The stablehand removed his secret stall key and put it into the lock, allowing him access to the stall. Just as he was about to go to work, a shadow fell across him.
"I've got this handled," Earl turned to let his fellow elf know everything was under control. His eyes widened as he noticed there was something wrong.
Earl's fellow elf was near six feet tall and strikingly beautiful.
"Quel kaima, ellil," the tall elf whispered musically. Earl's jaw hung open in reply.
The tall elf raised her tranquilizer gun and fired. Earl fell into the straw, instantly transported to a dreamworld of elven maidens. Donner stamped his hooves in warning to the stranger.
"Seere, Donner. Cormlle naa tanya tel'raa," she said to the reindeer as she stroked his muzzle. Her voice soothed the beast. She bent down to relieve Earl of his secret stall key.
As she stood up, another tall elf joined her. She turned and handed the key to him.
"Release the other reindeer and prepare them for transport," she said, speaking the ancient Elvish dialect. Her companion nodded and went to work.
Within five minutes, Santa's Christmas operation was crippled … and the Hap-Happiest Time of the Year was about to become the Crap-Crappiest Time in History.
"Squak! Chip-chip-chip. Wooooo! Wooooooo!"
Nova groaned and rolled over.
"Squee! Squee! SquACK-bzzzzzzzt."
Another alarm clock ruined. Nova climbed out of bed and brushed the remnants of a "Nature's Soothing Awakening" alarm clock into the garbage can. It was never fun to wake up at 6 am, and it especially wasn't soothing to awaken to the sounds of water dripping and gulls squawking.
He crossed the room and opened the shade. Still dark, still snowing. As if the thought of an entire day fighting crowds to get Christmas shopping done wasn't bad enough, it had to snow, too. He took a deep breath and rested his head against the window, watching the snow pile up on the porch below.
The sky was just beginning to lighten, black giving way to a lighter shade of gray - it was then that Nova noticed tracks out on the lawn. Someone had plowed their way up to the porch, in direct opposition to Nova's no shoveling = no visitors strategy. There was a knock at the front door.
In the blink of an eye, Nova was downstairs. He yanked the door open.
"You really need to shovel," the snowy figure said as he took off his hat. It was another of Nova's long-time friends, Sartan, the man with no last name.
"What are you doing here?"
"Christmas shopping, remember?" Sartan stepped inside the mudroom and began brushing snow off of his clothes.
"Yeah, but I said I'd meet you in the city …"
"It takes longer for me to walk into the city than it does to walk here. Plus I know you're going to have a huge breakfast while I get stuck eating a toaster strudel or something. So I figured I'd get pancakes and a free ride," Sartan grinned as he took off his scarf, then gagged as he looked at Nova for the first time. "Jesus, man. Put on some pants when you answer the door."
Nova grumbled and went upstairs to change - his no shoveling strategy had been compromised, and his second line of defense, answering the door naked, had failed to scare company away. It was going to be a long day.
At 6:30, there was another knock at Nova's front door. This time it was Sartan that answered.
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey, Rix!"
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey, Sartan!" Rix yelled as he stepped inside, stamping his feet to loosen the snow clinging to his boots. "Tell Nova he has to shovel."
"Already did. Come on in - Mir made pancakes, French toast, and like four Rixes worth of bacon."
"I'm on a diet. Nova's sister still lives here? I figured she would have killed herself by now, having to put up with him all the time."
"She's just waiting for me to make an honest woman out of her," Sartan replied as he led the way to the kitchen.
Nova's sister, Miror, was setting a plateful of pancakes on the kitchen table.
"Hey, Mir. Look, it's Rix. He's on a diet, so he'll only be having four courses today," Sartan sat down and offered his best smile as he was served. "Thanks. When are you going to marry me so I can take you away from all of this and we can both live in my derelict shack? My bathroom needs cleaning."
"Uh, when you get a job," Miror replied as she set the syrup on the table.
"Ouch, so never, huh?"
"You got it," she smiled sweetly before looking at Rix. "Diet?"
"Yeah, I'm tired of all the fat jokes," Rix said as he rubbed his stomach.
"The guy's living proof that not all fat people are jolly," Sartan added as he stuffed pancakes into his mouth.
"So what do you want for breakfast?" Miror asked, disregarding Sartan's comment.
"Uh, grapefruit is fine."
"That's it?"
"Yeah, that'll do," Rix sat at the table and waited as Mir sliced a grapefruit and set it in front of him. "Hey, thanks." He picked up a fork and took an exploratory bite of the fruit, trying not to grimace at the bittersweet taste.
"Where's Nova?" Rix looked at Sartan as he set his fork down. He was ready to make a play for a pancake when no one was looking. It was still a diet if nobody knew he was cheating.
"Getting ready. For the past half hour," Sartan had stopped stuffing his face long enough to breathe and answer.
"Fastest man alive, but it still takes him longer than a woman to get ready to go out," Rix shook his head.
Just then, a tiny ball of energy came roaring into the room in the form of an eight year old little girl.
"Uncle Sartan! Uncle Rix! Come see what I can do!"
"Rix is still eating, sweetie," Miror told the little girl.
"Okay, but you have to come see too, Auntie Mir!"
"Ugh, I don't want to get up, can you bring it here so we can watch, Kaylan?" Sartan said to the little girl.
"No silly, we have to go outside. Daddy doesn't want me jumping off of things in the house. He says I'll hurt something," she said as she grabbed his hand and pulled him out of his seat. Her energetic attitude led Sartan and Miror to follow her outside. Rix continued poking at his grapefruit.
Five minutes later:
Nova walked into the kitchen, drying his hair with a towel.
"Where is everyone?"
Rix pointed out the window. Sartan and Miror were busy admiring the snow bank Kaylan had apparently built in the backyard to allow her to practice snowboarding.
"Where's breakfast?" Nova rummaged around, the plates were empty and there was no food in the breakfast pots and pans. He looked at Rix.
His cheeks puffed out like a Christmas Hamster, syrup dripping from his lips, Rix just spread his hands and shrugged.
(Note: More information on the physics of Santa's ride of the undead can be found at Snopes.com)
How Former Barons Spend the Holidays
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From: novagreys@aol.com (Nova GreyS)
Date: 25 Dec 2003 11:29:06 EST
- It's Summer Down There, You Know -
"So, where to first?" Sartan, Nova, and Rix had arrived in the city, cattle prods charged, and steel-toed boots shined for a day of fighting crowds for bargains.
Nova looked at the list he had been given. "Well, none of this stuff is for me, so I don't care where we go first."
Rix took the list from him and looked at it. "None of this stuff is for me, either. Man, your sister is cruel."
Sartan grabbed the list to have a look for himself. "Ha! She wrote down something for me … toilet brush?" He looked at Nova. "She wants me to clean my own bathroom?"
Nova shrugged. "If she didn't clean my bathroom all the time, I'd just move when it got too dirty."
"Hmmm, good idea."
Nova took the list back. "Well, it's mostly toys and clothes, so it looks like we're going to Flor-mart. I'll be damned if I'm not using some of this money to buy myself a video game, though. What kind of list did Ally give you?" he asked Rix.
Rix eagerly looked down at the list his girlfriend had provided him with, and then looked at his friends, deflated. "It's all stuff for her. Why would she want to know what she's getting?"
"Maybe it's just suggestions," Sartan put in.
"No, it says here at the bottom 'get me all of these things or I'll kill you in your sleep'."
"Ah, the magic of Love," sighed Nova.
"Well, should we split up or does Ally actually want stuff you can buy at Flor-mart?"
"That depends, does Flor-mart sell thousand dollar pieces of jewelry?"
"I don't think they sell anything over twenty bucks, man."
"I guess we're splitting up, then," said Rix.
Somber, the three men stood together, looking at one another.
"Stay alive."
"No matter what happens, I'll see you again on the other side."
"No heroics, men. The women don't need presents that badly. If the animals charge, play dead. If they bite, scream like little girls and run," Nova put out a hand, Rix and Sartan placed their hands upon it. "On three, Christmas. One. Two. Three."
"Christmas!"
And thus, the holiday shopping season began.
"Ah, yes, sir. That's one of our finest pieces," the jeweler removed a gold necklace from the display case and delicately laid it on a fine piece of velvet. Rix tried to look like he knew what he was doing as he examined it.
"It's very pretty," Rix said, discretely looking at the price tag. If it were possible, the price tag would have jumped off the necklace, smacked him unconscious, and then disemboweled him with a pair of diamond earrings.
"Too much for your price range, sir?"
"Huh?"
"You looked like you were about to faint. Usually a sign the price is too steep for your wallet."
Rix reached out and started rubbing the necklace between his fingers. "Oh no, the price is fine."
"I assure you, sir. The gold is very real."
"Oh, that's not why I'm rubbing it. I want to meet the genie."
"Pardon?"
"The genie. For that price, it must be magic, right? Genie? Maybe one of those magic necklaces of power?"
"No, sir. It's just a plain, beautifully crafted necklace."
"Oh."
There was a long silence as Rix continued rubbing the necklace.
"Perhaps I could interest you in something a bit cheaper."
"Yes!" Rix cleared his throat, "er … well, it's good to see all the options."
"Man, how could they not sell Deathmatch of Death here?"
"I don't know, man. Maybe it causes people to go crazy and kill everyone in sight," Sartan suggested, keeping himself busy by playing one of the videogame consoles set up for the shoppers to try out the latest games.
"Not having the game I want to buy is going to cause me to go crazy and kill everyone in sight."
"See. Who needs video games when you can confine your deadly rampages to the real world?"
"Let's go."
"Where?"
"We're not shopping here if they don't sell morally reprehensible video games. I'll bet they don't even sell porn."
"All right, let me beat this kid first," Sartan paused the game long enough to point at the kid playing alongside him.
"He's been kicking your butt for fifteen solid minutes, man. Give it up."
"I'm going to beat him. He's just a shifty ringer. I'll figure out his pattern."
"He's five years old. His pattern is jamming a bunch of buttons until your team is left crying in their virtual sports drink. Let's go," Nova said even as he physically dragged Sartan away.
"I'll beat you one day, kid. Even if I have to come out to your little league game and school you in real life. I'll show you how the big boys play ball!" Sartan pointed at the child as he was dragged away.
The North Pole:
Santa Claus was busy checking his list for the second time when he was interrupted by an elf dressed in a green and red pinstriped suit.
"What is it, Rico?" the jolly old elf asked as he took off his glasses and set the list aside.
"We uh, gots a problem, Santa," Rico said.
"Well, what type of problem do we 'gots'?" Santa asked, lifting his fingers to quote the air as he mimicked Rico's speech.
"Da reindeer."
"Not enough peppermint again this year?"
"No."
"Oh, Vixen's not in heat again, is she?" Santa sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"I don't know bout dat one way da otha, Santa."
"Then what's wrong?"
"Well, the reindeer … dey got stolen by a buncha elves."
"The reindeer were stolen by a bunch of elves?"
"Yeah."
"We know all of the elves up here, Rico. Who would steal the reindeer?"
"Not us elves. Da otha elves."
Santa's eyes widened in shock. "The fey?"
"I don't know if dey like men or not, Santa. Dough dey did look a little fey, yeah."
Santa stared for a moment, then opened his desk drawer and removed a bottle of aspirin. "Rico …" he began.
"Yeah, Santa?"
Mr. Kringle chased the aspirin with a glass of water. He set the glass down and stared at the pinstriped elf for a long moment, before stating in a serious tone, "Go get our problem solvers. Now."
Back at the jewelry store:
"Sir, we don't have anything cheaper," the salesman said with an exasperated sigh.
"Are you sure?" Rix was looking at another necklace, which was now being displayed on a dirty rag rather than a piece of velvet.
"Sir, the metal is tin spray painted with gold paint. The 'diamonds' are polished chunks of salt. Ten dollars."
Rix picked at one of the 'diamonds' until it came loose and then proceeded to put the piece of salt in his mouth. "I'll give you eight bucks."
"Get out."
"What? I'm negotiating. Besides one of the diamonds is missing."
"You just ate the diamond."
"Nine bucks."
"Leave."
"Nine fifty."
"Out."
"Can I see the genie necklace again?"
Just as the salesman was about to reach for the shotgun behind the counter, the bell over the door jingled. Both Rix and the salesman looked back to see a delivery boy carrying a 5 foot hoagie.
"Rix Fahvruh?"
"Uh, that's me."
"Got a couple sandwiches for you. The other one's in the truck."
"For me?"
"Yup."
Rix hesitated for only a moment. "What kind of sandwiches?"
"You Nova?"
Nova looked over his shoulder, saw no one behind him, and went back to staring at the woman on line in front of him.
"You Nova?" the question came again, this time something jabbed him in the small of the back. Nova turned around.
"Ah, crap. No," Nova said after looking down and noticing the pinstriped elf, "I'm not Nova."
"Yer jacket says 'Nova's FAST'," the elf pointed out.
"Uh, yeah. That's because I'm part of Nova's posse. This is Nova," Nova said as he pointed at Sartan, who was standing right beside him. The elf looked up at Sartan.
"I have no idea who this man is. I've never seen him before in my life," Sartan said.
"Which one of you is Nova?"
Nova pointed at Sartan, Sartan pointed at Nova. The elf produced a taser and jabbed it against Sartan's leg. With a sharp BZZT, Sartan fell to the ground in a heap, twitching a couple of times before laying still.
"Well, Merry Christmas. Good luck," Nova said to the elf before he waved at the unconscious Sartan.
The elf reached out and tasered Nova as well. As Nova fell, the next guy in line stepped over him and handed his items to the cashier. The elf shoved both Nova and Sartan into a sack and started dragging them away. A security guard stopped him at the door.
"Receipt?"
"Uh, dis is a return."
"I'll have to check the bag anyway," the security guard stated in a tone of authority.
Rico hesitated for a moment and then opened the bag. The guard, seeing only a couple of unconscious guys in the sack and knowing they didn't sell unconscious people in CheapCrap, waved the elf through. "Okay, have a Merry Christmas."
"Can I have some?" the voice in the darkness was slurred and far away.
"No, get your own," another voice answered through the black.
"Don't be a pig, I'm starving. I didn't even get to eat breakfast."
"You should have thought of that before you took half an hour to doll yourself up."
Sartan groaned and opened his eyes. The first sight to greet him was Nova and Rix playing tug of war with a 5 foot hoagie. "Ugggggh," Sartan elaborated as he tried to sit up.
"Morning, sunshine. Welcome to the North Pole. Where the Magic Happens™," Nova stopped tugging on the sandwich long enough to gesture to the small sitting room they'd been dumped in. Rix took another bite of the hoagie.
"Uggggh," Sartan continued.
"Yeah, you were tasered. You get used to that after a couple times," Nova said.
"They also dropped you on your head when they dumped you guys here. Then Nova fell on your head and laid there until he woke up," Rix put in with his mouth full.
"On a diet, huh?" Sartan asked Rix when he finally remembered how to speak.
"Yup, this is a lowfat hoagie. Doesn't even have bacon," Rix replied before taking another bite.
Just as Nova was about to rip the sandwich out of Rix's hands, the door opened.
"Santa will see youse now."
And the three were ushered into the big man's office.
"Ho ho*" Santa began.
Nova cut him off with a raised hand.
"Let me guess, the Easter Bunny is cutting in on your turf and you need someone to take him out," Nova said.
"Nah, I'll bet we have to go pick up his longjohns from the cleaners, otherwise Christmas will be ruined," Rix hazarded a guess.
"Mrs. Claus kicked you out and you need a place to crash after your deliveries," Nova took another guess.
Santa looked at Sartan, waiting for his smartass remark. Nova and Rix turned to look at him expectantly.
"Are you really Santa?"
Nova and Rix groaned in unison.
"Boys, I know I haven't treated you well in the past, but making people happy is a thankless job. When I haven't been able to make Christmas happen, you boys have always been there to make sure all the little boys and girls in the world were happy," Santa began.
"In the past, the problems I've faced have always been paltry, shallow speedbumps that simply sucked away my will to keep Christmas merry - after all, in all of my years as the jolliest of elves, no one's ever given me what I really wanted."
"Slim fast?" Rix asked, unable to resist taking a shot at the only person in the room that was fatter than he.
"Love of a good woman?" Nova guessed.
"A new ending to 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' where the lady of the house catches you delivering presents instead of the guy? And she's just wearing her kerchief?" asked Rix.
"A law making elf-reindeer love legal?" Nova again.
Santa rolled his eyes and again looked at Sartan expectantly.
"Wait a second, you're really Santa?"
Santa got up from his chair, reached across the desk, and slapped both Nova and Rix on the top of the head. As they whined and protested, Santa pulled a candy cane from thin air and offered it to Sartan.
"Santa's awesome," Sartan said as he accepted the candy cane.
"Gentlemen, this year Christmas has been touched by pure evil."
"Evil needs to learn to keep its hands to itself."
"My reindeer have been stolen. Christmas can't happen without them," Santa continued, ignoring the peanut gallery.
"I'll bet it was those damn dirty grinches. They're always trying to ruin Christmas," Rix said, pounding his fist onto the desk in an appropriate show of rage and disgust.
"So you want us to run around the world and shakedown all of the usual suspects until we can find your reindeer?" Nova asked. "No offense, Santa, but this guy can't find anything unless it's edible," he pointed at Rix, "and this one is so lazy we once thought he was dead because he didn't move for three months," he pointed at Sartan.
"No, I know exactly who did this," Santa said, his face growing dark, "it was Zanta Klaus."
"Pardon?"
Santa rose from his desk and moved over to the window. He seemed weighed down by more than just his bulk and the stress of the season.
"Zanta Klaus. Another elf like me," Santa began. "No, not like me. Nothing like me. He's based out of the South Pole. His elves are eternal - tall and beautiful. He believes that all bad children should be rewarded for forwarding the destruction of the world. He thinks that all of creation is inevitably plunging into darkness and that evil deeds should beget rewards to inspire further evil deeds. But he's never been able to exercise his plans because he had no means of mystical transport. The reindeer have no evil counterpart because they're simply pure good. They are the embodiment of all hope and innoce*"
"Whoa there, Santa. You're getting a little too deep for us here. Try to keep the words to one or two syllables," Nova interrupted.
Santa turned back to look at the three, noticing the vacant stares and the slacken jaws. "Of course, I forgot whom I was talking to," Santa excused himself for a moment, collected his thoughts, and began again.
"A bad dude named Zanta Klaus stole my reindeer and he's going to ruin Christmas for everyone. He'll give presents to bad kids and he'll give the good kids coal," Santa explained.
"That doesn't sound too horrible. Bad kids need love, too."
"It will hasten the end of the world. Blood. Fire. Bad."
"Oh."
"Please, boys. Will you go to the South Pole and bring me back my reindeer so we can save Christmas … and the world?" Santa was pleading, his giant hands clasped together in front of him.
Nova, Rix, and Sartan looked at one another, then leaned in for a huddle.
"If we don't help, at least I won't get coal this year," Rix whispered.
"Yeah, but who wants the world to end?" Nova put in.
"I can't believe this is really Santa," Sartan replied, taking a bite out of his candy cane.
"Well, he says it'll be the end of the world if Zanta is allowed to bring his Christmas evil to the world," Nova whispered. "Maybe we should help."
"Okay, when we beat up Zanta, we have to steal his jewelry, then. They grabbed me before I could buy Ally's necklace," Rix said.
"They didn't grab you, they gave you a sandwich. You'd follow Zanta if he offered you food," Nova muttered quietly.
"Hey, that was a great sandwich."
"Are you in?" Nova asked Sartan.
Sartan shrugged. "Like I have something better to do."
Nova broke the huddle.
"Okay, Santa. We'll get your reindeer back."
Nova, Rix, and Sartan followed Santa as he led the way down a long hall and into the security room. A nod from Santa sent the security elves scrambling to bring up camera footage of the reindeer theft.
"This is what happened," Santa explained, "they knocked out the stable hands and used woodland magic to make the reindeers docile."
"Hey, that elf is hot," Nova said, pointing at a close up of the female elf that had tranquilized Earl. "She can make me docile any day."
The footage changed to show a skinny man with a goatee and sunglasses, dressed in a green suit, holding his belly as he laughed.
"This is Zanta," Santa explained.
"Wow, you weren't kidding when you said he was your exact opposite. Is he what you'd look like if you didn't eat like forty billion cookies every year?" Nova asked.
Santa expertly ignored Nova's question, gesturing for the elves to bring up surveillance footage of an Antarctic bunker. "This is the South Pole."
"It's patrolled by the elves … and by militant atomic penguins."
"Pardon?" Nova interrupted once again.
"It's patrolled by elves."
"And…?"
Santa hesitated. "Militant atomic penguins."
"Which are?"
"Explosive, evil penguins."
"Explosive?"
"Yes, they've been known to blow up on occasion."
"Exploding penguins, got it," Nova gave the thumbs-up sign, certain things wouldn't get any stranger than that.
"But you won't have to worry about the patrols. We'll be slipping you in undercover. You'll have to find your own transport down there, but we've got disguises for you to wear."
"Wait, you're telling me we're doing all of this work for you, but you can't get us down there?"
"Nova, I have no reindeer, how do you expect me to get you down there?"
"How did you get us up HERE!?"
"Super Express. We stuck you in boxes and sent you up here via same-day service. Highly expensive considering how much one of you weighs," Santa stopped to glare at Rix, "Unfortunately, SupEx can't deliver to the South Pole, otherwise we'd be stuffing you into boxes right now."
"So what are we supposed to do?"
"How did you manage to fly about when you helped me deliver presents all those years ago?"
"No! No, no, no, no, no!" Rix stopped Nova from answering. "I am NOT flying around in a rocket sleigh again! I fell out!"
Sartan stood there eating his candy cane, entirely indifferent as Rix stomped around and ranted about falling and catching on fire. Nova had a good chuckle remembering the day.
"Hmmm, that's troubling," Santa stated after Rix ran out of breath.
"I know, it could kill someone," Rix said, thankful that someone was on his side.
"No, not that. Rockets will be too suspicious in and of themselves. You'll need some sort of animal to guide your sleigh."
Before Rix could protest, Nova stepped forward. "So, let me get this straight. You want us to create a sleigh guided by animals to get ourselves to the South Pole."
"Exactly," Santa smiled.
Nova thought about it for a moment, then smiled. "Hey, no problem."
Miror, Nova's sister, answered a knock at the door to find a giant lizard dressed in a Super Express uniform, lazily licking his right eye with a long tongue.
"Um, hello?"
The lizard took his time with what he was doing before answering. "Ssssssssuper Expressssss."
"So I gathered."
"Sssssssign at ssssssixty-sssss*" the lizard began, handing over a clipboard.
"I think I can figure it out, thanks," Miror cut him off and then signed at the appropriate line while the lizard wheeled a very large package inside. "Haven't I seen you before?" she asked as she handed the clipboard back.
"No," the lizard replied before stepping back outside and running back for his truck, eager to escape the horrors of the Nova household.
Miror shut the door and looked at the giant package. The box rustled, causing Miror to jump back. "Oh my god, Nova. If you bought your daughter a pony and actually had it sent in a box so you could wrap it, I'm going to kill you," she muttered to no one in particular as she went into the kitchen to get a box cutter.
As soon as Nova's sister left the room, the top of the box burst open and Nova fell out, gasping for air.
"Oh god, oh god," Nova hung over the side of the box, trying to collect himself.
Sartan popped up and pulled the collar of his shirt away from his mouth. "I can't believe they forgot to poke air holes in this thing. Lucky that wasn't a very long trip."
Rix climbed out of the box, no worse for the wear, and dusted off his clothes. "Wasn't so bad."
"You couldn't have held that in?" Nova cried.
"Hey, it's not good to hold things in. But I guess that sandwich wasn't too good after all," Rix replied, rubbing his belly.
Just then, Miror returned with the box cutter and stared at the trio that had emerged from the box. "… what?"
"Don't ask," Nova said, waving the question away.
Miror stood there staring for a moment before wrinkling her nose. "What's that smell?"
Sartan and Nova pointed at Rix, who could only shrug and smile.
Date: 25 Dec 2003 11:29:06 EST
- It's Summer Down There, You Know -
"So, where to first?" Sartan, Nova, and Rix had arrived in the city, cattle prods charged, and steel-toed boots shined for a day of fighting crowds for bargains.
Nova looked at the list he had been given. "Well, none of this stuff is for me, so I don't care where we go first."
Rix took the list from him and looked at it. "None of this stuff is for me, either. Man, your sister is cruel."
Sartan grabbed the list to have a look for himself. "Ha! She wrote down something for me … toilet brush?" He looked at Nova. "She wants me to clean my own bathroom?"
Nova shrugged. "If she didn't clean my bathroom all the time, I'd just move when it got too dirty."
"Hmmm, good idea."
Nova took the list back. "Well, it's mostly toys and clothes, so it looks like we're going to Flor-mart. I'll be damned if I'm not using some of this money to buy myself a video game, though. What kind of list did Ally give you?" he asked Rix.
Rix eagerly looked down at the list his girlfriend had provided him with, and then looked at his friends, deflated. "It's all stuff for her. Why would she want to know what she's getting?"
"Maybe it's just suggestions," Sartan put in.
"No, it says here at the bottom 'get me all of these things or I'll kill you in your sleep'."
"Ah, the magic of Love," sighed Nova.
"Well, should we split up or does Ally actually want stuff you can buy at Flor-mart?"
"That depends, does Flor-mart sell thousand dollar pieces of jewelry?"
"I don't think they sell anything over twenty bucks, man."
"I guess we're splitting up, then," said Rix.
Somber, the three men stood together, looking at one another.
"Stay alive."
"No matter what happens, I'll see you again on the other side."
"No heroics, men. The women don't need presents that badly. If the animals charge, play dead. If they bite, scream like little girls and run," Nova put out a hand, Rix and Sartan placed their hands upon it. "On three, Christmas. One. Two. Three."
"Christmas!"
And thus, the holiday shopping season began.
"Ah, yes, sir. That's one of our finest pieces," the jeweler removed a gold necklace from the display case and delicately laid it on a fine piece of velvet. Rix tried to look like he knew what he was doing as he examined it.
"It's very pretty," Rix said, discretely looking at the price tag. If it were possible, the price tag would have jumped off the necklace, smacked him unconscious, and then disemboweled him with a pair of diamond earrings.
"Too much for your price range, sir?"
"Huh?"
"You looked like you were about to faint. Usually a sign the price is too steep for your wallet."
Rix reached out and started rubbing the necklace between his fingers. "Oh no, the price is fine."
"I assure you, sir. The gold is very real."
"Oh, that's not why I'm rubbing it. I want to meet the genie."
"Pardon?"
"The genie. For that price, it must be magic, right? Genie? Maybe one of those magic necklaces of power?"
"No, sir. It's just a plain, beautifully crafted necklace."
"Oh."
There was a long silence as Rix continued rubbing the necklace.
"Perhaps I could interest you in something a bit cheaper."
"Yes!" Rix cleared his throat, "er … well, it's good to see all the options."
"Man, how could they not sell Deathmatch of Death here?"
"I don't know, man. Maybe it causes people to go crazy and kill everyone in sight," Sartan suggested, keeping himself busy by playing one of the videogame consoles set up for the shoppers to try out the latest games.
"Not having the game I want to buy is going to cause me to go crazy and kill everyone in sight."
"See. Who needs video games when you can confine your deadly rampages to the real world?"
"Let's go."
"Where?"
"We're not shopping here if they don't sell morally reprehensible video games. I'll bet they don't even sell porn."
"All right, let me beat this kid first," Sartan paused the game long enough to point at the kid playing alongside him.
"He's been kicking your butt for fifteen solid minutes, man. Give it up."
"I'm going to beat him. He's just a shifty ringer. I'll figure out his pattern."
"He's five years old. His pattern is jamming a bunch of buttons until your team is left crying in their virtual sports drink. Let's go," Nova said even as he physically dragged Sartan away.
"I'll beat you one day, kid. Even if I have to come out to your little league game and school you in real life. I'll show you how the big boys play ball!" Sartan pointed at the child as he was dragged away.
The North Pole:
Santa Claus was busy checking his list for the second time when he was interrupted by an elf dressed in a green and red pinstriped suit.
"What is it, Rico?" the jolly old elf asked as he took off his glasses and set the list aside.
"We uh, gots a problem, Santa," Rico said.
"Well, what type of problem do we 'gots'?" Santa asked, lifting his fingers to quote the air as he mimicked Rico's speech.
"Da reindeer."
"Not enough peppermint again this year?"
"No."
"Oh, Vixen's not in heat again, is she?" Santa sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
"I don't know bout dat one way da otha, Santa."
"Then what's wrong?"
"Well, the reindeer … dey got stolen by a buncha elves."
"The reindeer were stolen by a bunch of elves?"
"Yeah."
"We know all of the elves up here, Rico. Who would steal the reindeer?"
"Not us elves. Da otha elves."
Santa's eyes widened in shock. "The fey?"
"I don't know if dey like men or not, Santa. Dough dey did look a little fey, yeah."
Santa stared for a moment, then opened his desk drawer and removed a bottle of aspirin. "Rico …" he began.
"Yeah, Santa?"
Mr. Kringle chased the aspirin with a glass of water. He set the glass down and stared at the pinstriped elf for a long moment, before stating in a serious tone, "Go get our problem solvers. Now."
Back at the jewelry store:
"Sir, we don't have anything cheaper," the salesman said with an exasperated sigh.
"Are you sure?" Rix was looking at another necklace, which was now being displayed on a dirty rag rather than a piece of velvet.
"Sir, the metal is tin spray painted with gold paint. The 'diamonds' are polished chunks of salt. Ten dollars."
Rix picked at one of the 'diamonds' until it came loose and then proceeded to put the piece of salt in his mouth. "I'll give you eight bucks."
"Get out."
"What? I'm negotiating. Besides one of the diamonds is missing."
"You just ate the diamond."
"Nine bucks."
"Leave."
"Nine fifty."
"Out."
"Can I see the genie necklace again?"
Just as the salesman was about to reach for the shotgun behind the counter, the bell over the door jingled. Both Rix and the salesman looked back to see a delivery boy carrying a 5 foot hoagie.
"Rix Fahvruh?"
"Uh, that's me."
"Got a couple sandwiches for you. The other one's in the truck."
"For me?"
"Yup."
Rix hesitated for only a moment. "What kind of sandwiches?"
"You Nova?"
Nova looked over his shoulder, saw no one behind him, and went back to staring at the woman on line in front of him.
"You Nova?" the question came again, this time something jabbed him in the small of the back. Nova turned around.
"Ah, crap. No," Nova said after looking down and noticing the pinstriped elf, "I'm not Nova."
"Yer jacket says 'Nova's FAST'," the elf pointed out.
"Uh, yeah. That's because I'm part of Nova's posse. This is Nova," Nova said as he pointed at Sartan, who was standing right beside him. The elf looked up at Sartan.
"I have no idea who this man is. I've never seen him before in my life," Sartan said.
"Which one of you is Nova?"
Nova pointed at Sartan, Sartan pointed at Nova. The elf produced a taser and jabbed it against Sartan's leg. With a sharp BZZT, Sartan fell to the ground in a heap, twitching a couple of times before laying still.
"Well, Merry Christmas. Good luck," Nova said to the elf before he waved at the unconscious Sartan.
The elf reached out and tasered Nova as well. As Nova fell, the next guy in line stepped over him and handed his items to the cashier. The elf shoved both Nova and Sartan into a sack and started dragging them away. A security guard stopped him at the door.
"Receipt?"
"Uh, dis is a return."
"I'll have to check the bag anyway," the security guard stated in a tone of authority.
Rico hesitated for a moment and then opened the bag. The guard, seeing only a couple of unconscious guys in the sack and knowing they didn't sell unconscious people in CheapCrap, waved the elf through. "Okay, have a Merry Christmas."
"Can I have some?" the voice in the darkness was slurred and far away.
"No, get your own," another voice answered through the black.
"Don't be a pig, I'm starving. I didn't even get to eat breakfast."
"You should have thought of that before you took half an hour to doll yourself up."
Sartan groaned and opened his eyes. The first sight to greet him was Nova and Rix playing tug of war with a 5 foot hoagie. "Ugggggh," Sartan elaborated as he tried to sit up.
"Morning, sunshine. Welcome to the North Pole. Where the Magic Happens™," Nova stopped tugging on the sandwich long enough to gesture to the small sitting room they'd been dumped in. Rix took another bite of the hoagie.
"Uggggh," Sartan continued.
"Yeah, you were tasered. You get used to that after a couple times," Nova said.
"They also dropped you on your head when they dumped you guys here. Then Nova fell on your head and laid there until he woke up," Rix put in with his mouth full.
"On a diet, huh?" Sartan asked Rix when he finally remembered how to speak.
"Yup, this is a lowfat hoagie. Doesn't even have bacon," Rix replied before taking another bite.
Just as Nova was about to rip the sandwich out of Rix's hands, the door opened.
"Santa will see youse now."
And the three were ushered into the big man's office.
"Ho ho*" Santa began.
Nova cut him off with a raised hand.
"Let me guess, the Easter Bunny is cutting in on your turf and you need someone to take him out," Nova said.
"Nah, I'll bet we have to go pick up his longjohns from the cleaners, otherwise Christmas will be ruined," Rix hazarded a guess.
"Mrs. Claus kicked you out and you need a place to crash after your deliveries," Nova took another guess.
Santa looked at Sartan, waiting for his smartass remark. Nova and Rix turned to look at him expectantly.
"Are you really Santa?"
Nova and Rix groaned in unison.
"Boys, I know I haven't treated you well in the past, but making people happy is a thankless job. When I haven't been able to make Christmas happen, you boys have always been there to make sure all the little boys and girls in the world were happy," Santa began.
"In the past, the problems I've faced have always been paltry, shallow speedbumps that simply sucked away my will to keep Christmas merry - after all, in all of my years as the jolliest of elves, no one's ever given me what I really wanted."
"Slim fast?" Rix asked, unable to resist taking a shot at the only person in the room that was fatter than he.
"Love of a good woman?" Nova guessed.
"A new ending to 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' where the lady of the house catches you delivering presents instead of the guy? And she's just wearing her kerchief?" asked Rix.
"A law making elf-reindeer love legal?" Nova again.
Santa rolled his eyes and again looked at Sartan expectantly.
"Wait a second, you're really Santa?"
Santa got up from his chair, reached across the desk, and slapped both Nova and Rix on the top of the head. As they whined and protested, Santa pulled a candy cane from thin air and offered it to Sartan.
"Santa's awesome," Sartan said as he accepted the candy cane.
"Gentlemen, this year Christmas has been touched by pure evil."
"Evil needs to learn to keep its hands to itself."
"My reindeer have been stolen. Christmas can't happen without them," Santa continued, ignoring the peanut gallery.
"I'll bet it was those damn dirty grinches. They're always trying to ruin Christmas," Rix said, pounding his fist onto the desk in an appropriate show of rage and disgust.
"So you want us to run around the world and shakedown all of the usual suspects until we can find your reindeer?" Nova asked. "No offense, Santa, but this guy can't find anything unless it's edible," he pointed at Rix, "and this one is so lazy we once thought he was dead because he didn't move for three months," he pointed at Sartan.
"No, I know exactly who did this," Santa said, his face growing dark, "it was Zanta Klaus."
"Pardon?"
Santa rose from his desk and moved over to the window. He seemed weighed down by more than just his bulk and the stress of the season.
"Zanta Klaus. Another elf like me," Santa began. "No, not like me. Nothing like me. He's based out of the South Pole. His elves are eternal - tall and beautiful. He believes that all bad children should be rewarded for forwarding the destruction of the world. He thinks that all of creation is inevitably plunging into darkness and that evil deeds should beget rewards to inspire further evil deeds. But he's never been able to exercise his plans because he had no means of mystical transport. The reindeer have no evil counterpart because they're simply pure good. They are the embodiment of all hope and innoce*"
"Whoa there, Santa. You're getting a little too deep for us here. Try to keep the words to one or two syllables," Nova interrupted.
Santa turned back to look at the three, noticing the vacant stares and the slacken jaws. "Of course, I forgot whom I was talking to," Santa excused himself for a moment, collected his thoughts, and began again.
"A bad dude named Zanta Klaus stole my reindeer and he's going to ruin Christmas for everyone. He'll give presents to bad kids and he'll give the good kids coal," Santa explained.
"That doesn't sound too horrible. Bad kids need love, too."
"It will hasten the end of the world. Blood. Fire. Bad."
"Oh."
"Please, boys. Will you go to the South Pole and bring me back my reindeer so we can save Christmas … and the world?" Santa was pleading, his giant hands clasped together in front of him.
Nova, Rix, and Sartan looked at one another, then leaned in for a huddle.
"If we don't help, at least I won't get coal this year," Rix whispered.
"Yeah, but who wants the world to end?" Nova put in.
"I can't believe this is really Santa," Sartan replied, taking a bite out of his candy cane.
"Well, he says it'll be the end of the world if Zanta is allowed to bring his Christmas evil to the world," Nova whispered. "Maybe we should help."
"Okay, when we beat up Zanta, we have to steal his jewelry, then. They grabbed me before I could buy Ally's necklace," Rix said.
"They didn't grab you, they gave you a sandwich. You'd follow Zanta if he offered you food," Nova muttered quietly.
"Hey, that was a great sandwich."
"Are you in?" Nova asked Sartan.
Sartan shrugged. "Like I have something better to do."
Nova broke the huddle.
"Okay, Santa. We'll get your reindeer back."
Nova, Rix, and Sartan followed Santa as he led the way down a long hall and into the security room. A nod from Santa sent the security elves scrambling to bring up camera footage of the reindeer theft.
"This is what happened," Santa explained, "they knocked out the stable hands and used woodland magic to make the reindeers docile."
"Hey, that elf is hot," Nova said, pointing at a close up of the female elf that had tranquilized Earl. "She can make me docile any day."
The footage changed to show a skinny man with a goatee and sunglasses, dressed in a green suit, holding his belly as he laughed.
"This is Zanta," Santa explained.
"Wow, you weren't kidding when you said he was your exact opposite. Is he what you'd look like if you didn't eat like forty billion cookies every year?" Nova asked.
Santa expertly ignored Nova's question, gesturing for the elves to bring up surveillance footage of an Antarctic bunker. "This is the South Pole."
"It's patrolled by the elves … and by militant atomic penguins."
"Pardon?" Nova interrupted once again.
"It's patrolled by elves."
"And…?"
Santa hesitated. "Militant atomic penguins."
"Which are?"
"Explosive, evil penguins."
"Explosive?"
"Yes, they've been known to blow up on occasion."
"Exploding penguins, got it," Nova gave the thumbs-up sign, certain things wouldn't get any stranger than that.
"But you won't have to worry about the patrols. We'll be slipping you in undercover. You'll have to find your own transport down there, but we've got disguises for you to wear."
"Wait, you're telling me we're doing all of this work for you, but you can't get us down there?"
"Nova, I have no reindeer, how do you expect me to get you down there?"
"How did you get us up HERE!?"
"Super Express. We stuck you in boxes and sent you up here via same-day service. Highly expensive considering how much one of you weighs," Santa stopped to glare at Rix, "Unfortunately, SupEx can't deliver to the South Pole, otherwise we'd be stuffing you into boxes right now."
"So what are we supposed to do?"
"How did you manage to fly about when you helped me deliver presents all those years ago?"
"No! No, no, no, no, no!" Rix stopped Nova from answering. "I am NOT flying around in a rocket sleigh again! I fell out!"
Sartan stood there eating his candy cane, entirely indifferent as Rix stomped around and ranted about falling and catching on fire. Nova had a good chuckle remembering the day.
"Hmmm, that's troubling," Santa stated after Rix ran out of breath.
"I know, it could kill someone," Rix said, thankful that someone was on his side.
"No, not that. Rockets will be too suspicious in and of themselves. You'll need some sort of animal to guide your sleigh."
Before Rix could protest, Nova stepped forward. "So, let me get this straight. You want us to create a sleigh guided by animals to get ourselves to the South Pole."
"Exactly," Santa smiled.
Nova thought about it for a moment, then smiled. "Hey, no problem."
Miror, Nova's sister, answered a knock at the door to find a giant lizard dressed in a Super Express uniform, lazily licking his right eye with a long tongue.
"Um, hello?"
The lizard took his time with what he was doing before answering. "Ssssssssuper Expressssss."
"So I gathered."
"Sssssssign at ssssssixty-sssss*" the lizard began, handing over a clipboard.
"I think I can figure it out, thanks," Miror cut him off and then signed at the appropriate line while the lizard wheeled a very large package inside. "Haven't I seen you before?" she asked as she handed the clipboard back.
"No," the lizard replied before stepping back outside and running back for his truck, eager to escape the horrors of the Nova household.
Miror shut the door and looked at the giant package. The box rustled, causing Miror to jump back. "Oh my god, Nova. If you bought your daughter a pony and actually had it sent in a box so you could wrap it, I'm going to kill you," she muttered to no one in particular as she went into the kitchen to get a box cutter.
As soon as Nova's sister left the room, the top of the box burst open and Nova fell out, gasping for air.
"Oh god, oh god," Nova hung over the side of the box, trying to collect himself.
Sartan popped up and pulled the collar of his shirt away from his mouth. "I can't believe they forgot to poke air holes in this thing. Lucky that wasn't a very long trip."
Rix climbed out of the box, no worse for the wear, and dusted off his clothes. "Wasn't so bad."
"You couldn't have held that in?" Nova cried.
"Hey, it's not good to hold things in. But I guess that sandwich wasn't too good after all," Rix replied, rubbing his belly.
Just then, Miror returned with the box cutter and stared at the trio that had emerged from the box. "… what?"
"Don't ask," Nova said, waving the question away.
Miror stood there staring for a moment before wrinkling her nose. "What's that smell?"
Sartan and Nova pointed at Rix, who could only shrug and smile.
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From: novagreys@aol.com (Nova GreyS)
Date: 25 Dec 2003 11:30:04 EST
- Express Train to the South Pole -
"Well, first thing's first," Nova took charge, "what animal are we going to get to guide our sleigh?"
"I have an idea," Rix declared.
The cliffs of the Great Eagles:
"Is he going to keep screaming until he hits the ground?" Sartan asked, handing the binoculars to Nova.
Nova put the binoculars to his eyes and looked out over the cliffs. Giant Eagles soared in the distance. Rix, who had tried to prove giant eagles could be harnessed and put to work, was soaring lazily through the air as well: straight down.
"If he weren't flailing his arms around so wildly, he'd almost look graceful," Nova said.
Back at Nova's house:
Rix, bandaged and bruised from his fall, sat at the table drinking cocoa while Nova and Sartan brainstormed.
"Hey, we could make a floating sleigh and get magic dolphins to guide it down to the South Pole via the ocean. We'd come in right under the radar and everything."
Nova snapped his fingers and pointed at Sartan. "I like that idea."
The ocean:
Nova walked out of the water, soaking wet. Rix was sitting in a beach chair playing with the sand.
"Where's the surfboard sleigh?"
"Whale ate it," Nova plopped down in the sand next to the chair.
"Where's Sartan?"
"Whale ate him."
"What happened to the magic dolphins?"
"I think they were laughing while the whale ate Sartan."
A small geyser of water went up somewhere offshore. Nova got up and moved as Sartan came in for his final approach. Rix's sandcastle disintegrated as Sartan, shot out of the whale's spout, landed face down upon it.
"Now I know what sandwiches feel like when Rix is around," Sartan groaned and rolled over.
"Time for Plan C," Nova said.
Pegasus Ranch:
"Flying horses. Beautiful. Do you ever just stop and marvel at this strange little world we live in?" Nova stood with hands on hips, watching flying horses dip and wheel in the air above him.
"I'm marveling right now," Sartan said as he used a stick to scrape something unsavory off the bottom of his shoe.
"So how do we get these horses down and hooked up to a sleigh?" Rix asked.
"You just watch," Nova said as he revealed the coil of cowboy rope he was carrying and began to spin it around his head.
With the flick of the wrist, Nova roped himself a flying horse. Or rather, the flying horse had roped itself a Nova.
Back at Nova's house:
Nova was resting his very bruised head on the table, a bag of ice taped to the back of his neck.
"And then it kept kicking him in the head over and over," Sartan laughed as he related the story of Nova's horse roping exploit to Miror and Kaylan.
"Then it bit him on the butt when he tried to crawl away," Rix chimed in.
Kaylan giggled as Nova groaned.
"Daddy, you got bit on the butt!"
"So, no flying horses to guide your sleigh?" Miror was all too amused.
"They let it walk right past them after I tired it out," Nova pulled the bag of ice off of his head long enough to speak.
"Hey, I didn't want to get bit in the butt. It's my best ASSet," said Rix, right before he was hit in the head by a bag of ice.
"Can't we just staple some antlers to Rix's head, stick a rocket up his best asset and let him guide the sleigh?" Sartan sat on a rock in the middle of a forest clearing, watching Nova disassemble a rocket from a worn and battered sleigh.
"I'm thinking about it. Especially if he doesn't get here with the rocket man soon," Nova dropped the rocket into the snow and moved around the sleigh to remove another cylinder.
"What is this thing anyway?"
"This is the rocket sleigh we used the first time we helped Santa out. Someone told us where to find it after it uh … disappeared."
Before Sartan could ask another question, Rix entered the clearing followed by a guy carrying a large toolbox and an even larger book. Harris D'Artainian dropped his toolbox on the ground and followed Rix over to the sleigh.
"Hey, ladies," Harris offered a goofy grin to all present.
"Uh, where's the rocket guy?" Nova glared at Rix.
"This is the rocket guy," Rix replied, taking the book out of Harris's hands and handing it to Nova.
"Animal Rocketry and You: Get Certified in Thirty-days," Nova read the book cover, then immediately dropped the book as if it were on fire. "You've got to be kidding."
"Hey, man. I'm almost certified," Harris said as he picked up the book and dusted it off.
"There's no such thing as animal rocketry!"
"It's a new field. One of those career training online colleges."
It seemed as if the entire forest was staring at Harris.
"What? I have a lot of time on my hands. What better way to ease the pain of boredom than by strapping rockets to rats and sending them into space? It's every little rat's dream!"
"This must be bordering on illegal now," Sartan put in.
"It's only illegal if they die. I'm proud to say I've never lost a rat yet."
"How many times have you sent a rat into space?" Nova asked as he shook his head in disbelief.
"Well, never."
Nova threw his hands up into the air and walked away, practically convulsing with frustration.
"Tell them what you told me," Rix prodded.
"Right, well. Rats are too small to guide a sleigh, so we'll need something bigger. And thus, we'll need a bigger rocket," Harris started. He looked down and noticed the rockets Nova had removed from the sled lying in the snow. His eyes lit up as he bent down to pick them up and brush them off. "Hey, these are perfect. You guys are really on the ball!"
"Show them the plans," Rix nudged Harris and pointed to the toolbox.
"Oh right. Strangely enough, I had a plan like this already drawn up. If rats can fly, why not pigs?" Harris said as he opened his toolbox and produced a series of plans.
"We are NOT flying pigs to the SOUTH POLE!" Nova was beginning to turn red.
"I wasn't suggesting pigs," Harris replied smoothly, casually crumpling up a blueprint and tossing it over his shoulder. "I was suggesting reindeer."
"The lack of reindeer is what got us into this mess. Where are we going to find reindeer?" Sartan had to ask, as Nova was too busy turning purple out of sheer annoyance.
"Got that covered, too. Give me twenty minutes and I'll have a reindeer right here. Feel free to look over my genius plans while I'm gone," Harris left the plans on the sleigh and ran off into the forest.
Eighteen minutes later:
"Here we go!" Harris called out as he led a large black, bushy animal into the clearing.
"Where's the reindeer?" Sartan asked.
Harris blinked. "Are you blind? He's right here," he said and gestured to the animal he was leading.
"This is a moose," Sartan groaned.
"Really? Are you sure?"
"Pretty sure, Harris."
"Awesome!"
"Awesome?" Sartan asked, distracted for a moment as Nova began chasing Rix around the clearing, screaming something about strapping rockets to his fat butt and sending him off into space.
"Yeah. Bullwinkle could fly. Mooses must know how to fly, too."
"Uh, it was the squirrel that flew. Not Bullwinkle."
"Moose. Squirrel. Whatever. Don't doubt me. I'll have to change the plans a little, though."
The blueprints were spread out on the sleigh as Harris prepared the harnesses and rockets for their test run. Rix toddled up on shaky legs, covered in snow and dirt.
"What happened to you?" Harris asked.
"Nova doubts you," Rix said as he looked at the blueprints. Harris snickered.
"What's the moose saying here?" Rix asked as he pointed at the cartoonish blueprint drawing.
Harris dusted off his hands and walked over to the blueprint, proudly reading his work. "Moo."
Rix slapped his forehead and walked away, deciding to go bury himself in the snow before Nova found out. But Nova, a bit calmer than before, had heard the entire exchange and was prepared to step up to bat against the wild pitches of Harris's mind.
"Harris," he sighed, "Moose don't moo."
"Not true," Harris countered.
"Cows moo."
"True, but so do mooses."
"No, they don't."
"Mooses moo."
"Look, moose don't moo."
"How do you think mooses got their name? Mooooooooose. It's simple," Harris mooed again, just for effect.
Nova was about to suggest that they use Harris as a sleigh guidance system, but he managed to rein in his rage and turn to the moose. "Can you moo?"
The moose stood by placidly, casually chewing on some long grasses.
"Ugh!" Nova declared as he walked away, closely followed by a mooing Harris and a laughing Sartan.
"Idiots," the moose said quietly.
"Explain this to me again?"
"Okay, it's simple," Harris pointed at the rocket, which had been strapped vertically along the moose's flank, "Giving the rocket full power will launch the moose and sleigh into the air. I've modified the rocket so that, once you achieve optimal height, it then de-powers to a constant level of thrust. Just enough to keep everything aloft. That's when you kick in the other rocket that will be attached under the sleigh to move everything forward."
"That's pretty shady," Sartan said.
"It's perfectly safe. Here, hook up the moose to the sleigh and I'll give it a test run," Harris said as he began to tighten the harness around the moose.
"Uh, this is our only sleigh. Why don't you just test the thrust system on the moose first? We can always find another … moose if something goes wrong. We'll never find another sleigh," Nova was standing a good distance away from the moose, still shaking his head at the absurdity of the idea.
"Okay, suit yourself. I'm telling you, this will work," Harris said as he stepped over to the control box. "Protective goggles on," he commanded, lowering his own set of aviator goggles. The others followed suit.
"Houston, begin the countdown. Rocket armed," Harris flicked a switch, the rocket on the moose hummed to life. The moose stopped grazing long enough to look around.
"Ignition in five. Four. Three. Two. One," a button was pushed and a spectacular flash of light filled the clearing.
Immediately, the thrust of the rocket strapped to the moose's side flipped it over and sent it hurtling along the ground, through the clearing, and eventually into the forest beyond. After a moment, a loud crash was heard, followed by what could have been a groan, or possibly even a moo.
"All right. No one panic. She should be okay. We can just adjust the direction of thrust and try again."
As soon as the words left Harris's mouth, a giant explosion rocked the clearing, knocking all four men to the ground.
"Oops."
"Ugh. Let's try a reindeer this time."
The four men went off into the forest in search of a reindeer.
Five minutes later:
As if answering an age-old question of nature, a slightly charred moose climbed down out of a tree.
"Idiots," the moose grunted before shaking itself off and wandering back into the forest in search of less dangerous grazing grounds.
Sometime later:
Three reindeer had been herded into the clearing and stood ignorant of the possible horror in their immediate future. Just as Harris was preparing one for flight, a delivery van rolled into the clearing, "Claus Catering" emblazoned on its side.
"Delivery for … NASA?" the driver questioned, looking around at the smoke-filled clearing and the four men in tattered clothing.
"That's us," Nova walked up to greet the driver.
"Santa sent some lunch out for you guys. Where do you want it set up?"
"Eh, better keep it away from the launch area. Put it over there," Nova pointed.
Several men climbed out of the truck and set up a table, a giant pot of soup, and an arrangement of candy canes. The boys thanked them as they loaded back into the van.
"You know, you guys sure don't look like NASA," the driver said as he started the engine.
"Nova's Aeronautical Stupidity Association," Nova explained. "I'm Nova."
"Well, good luck," the driver said, casting a long glance at the rocket Harris was strapping to the test pilot reindeer. The van drove away as fast as its wheels could carry it.
"All right, lunch!" Harris said, halting his work in order to rub his hands together.
"Not so fast, Rocket man. Successful test, then eat," Nova commanded.
Harris muttered and went back to his work.
"All right. This is going to work this time, I swear. I've adjusted the rocket base for an even thrust. This reindeer is going up. I guarantee it," Harris stood behind the controls.
"Ignition sequence is started. Six. Five," he began.
"Just push the freaking button," Nova yelled.
"Fine. Spoiled sport," Harris said before jabbing the button down.
Another blinding flash, another rumble, but unlike before, the rocket began to lift the reindeer into the air.
"Sweet!"
"I told you guys, I know what I'm doing," Harris said proudly as he watched the reindeer begin its flight.
The four men watched the reindeer go up and up, soaring into the cloudy sky. Onward and upward, through the clouds, until it was little more than a light speck in the sky. A Rocketeer Reindeer - one small step in the direction of direct competition in the field of flying reindeer.
"Niiiiiice," Nova declared.
"Bring him back down and let's hook him up," Sartan said, happy the debacle didn't cost anymore innocent wildlife their lives.
"Oh, yeah," Harris mumbled. "Knew I forgot something."
"Forgot what?"
"Well," Harris scratched the back of his head. "I don't think that reindeer is coming down. Like ever."
"But, that was our last rocket," Rix said sadly. "Christmas is doomed."
"Oh, I can build more rockets. I'm smart like that. But I need to eat first. Can't be smart on an empty stomach," Harris said as he handed the controls to Rix before making his way over to the table of food.
"Where'd Nova go?" Rix looked around and then at Sartan.
"I think he went off into the forest to have a seizure of rage. Or maybe start digging a shallow grave to throw Harris in. Might as well eat."
"Ugggggh," Harris declared, "this isn't food. This is my dirty laundry."
Sartan slammed the lid of the soup pot back down and waved a hand in front of his face. "Santa wants us dead. I thought he was an okay guy, but this is flat out murder."
Rix leaned forward. "What is it?"
"I don't care. It smells like toilet water. And there's nasty stuff floating in it. At least there are candy canes to eat," said Harris.
Rix lifted the lid of the pot and sniffed. "I've eaten worse."
"I'll bet you have, Tubby," Sartan said as he offered a bowl to Rix. "Chow down."
Harris and Sartan each selected a candy cane and walked off muttering.
"Hey, I'm not going to eat this by myself," Rix called after them. "I don't want to be the only guy that dies if this is poisoned." He spooned out four bowls worth and carried them over to where Sartan and Harris sat.
"I'm not eating that," Sartan declared as Rix tried to hand him a bowl.
"Just hold onto it, then," Rix said as he passed another bowl to Harris.
"I'm going to go find Nova and see if he wants to eat, too. Maybe it will calm him down," Rix walked off into the forest in the direction of the cursing and the sounds of grave digging.
Harris and Sartan looked at each other as they sat there holding steaming bowls of smelly food. "I'll bet the reindeer won't even eat it," Sartan said.
"Twenty bucks?" Harris wagered.
"You're on."
"That grave is really deep just for Harris," Rix said as Nova led the way back into the clearing.
"I'm not going to kill Harris. I'm just going to strap a rocket to him and send him off after the reindeer. That grave is for the moose, if we ever find it. Can't leave any evidence," Nova said before being distracted by whooping and hollering from the launch area.
Nova ran to the middle of the clearing to find Sartan and Harris both laughing and holding onto lengths of rope which were tied around two reindeer - two reindeer that were hovering about fifty feet in the air above them.
"I told you I was smart like that!" Harris said as he slapped Nova on the shoulder.
Nova stood there staring up into the sky. "How did…?"
"No clue, but they're flying!"
"Whoa!" Rix cried as he finally caught up. "They're flying!"
The four men congratulated one another, laughing and hugging in celebration of this momentous event, none of them caring HOW the reindeer were flying, only that they succeeded. After a moment, the celebration wound down.
"What's that smell?" Nova furrowed his brow and looked around.
Harris sniffed himself to make sure, then shrugged. "Might be me."
"Ugh, let's attach the sleigh and get back to the North Pole for our final briefing."
"Hey, can I come with you guys?" Harris asked.
The three looked at one another as if thinking a singular thought.
The North Pole:
"Excellent, excellent work, boys. I see you followed my instructions to the letter," Santa said as he admired the sleigh and the two reindeer harnessed to it.
"Uh, right. Your instructions," Nova said, looking at Rix.
"Great instructions, Santa," Rix shrugged at Nova.
Santa was immediately suspicious. "You didn't follow the instructions?"
There was silence for a few moments. "There were instructions?" Sartan finally asked.
"The catering service. The food came with instructions. Mix equal parts candy cane and cabbage soup, feed to reindeer?"
Nova, Rix, and Sartan looked at each other, then started whistling innocently.
"Oh, no," Santa sighed. "How are they flying if you didn't use the magic mixture?"
"Oh, we fed them the soup," Sartan said.
"Just not the candy canes," Rix put in.
As if on cue, an odd stench wafted across Santa's courtyard. Everyone shifted uncomfortably.
"Well, let's get your disguises and then we can send you on your way," Santa said, eager to leave the presence of the reindeer.
"I feel ridiculous," Sartan declared, as he stood just outside a dressing room, clad in a long blonde wig, pointy ears, and buckskin clothing edged with green cotton.
"You should feel proud. You look exactly like an ageless elf," Santa chuckled, "It's a fantastic disguise."
Just then, Rix waddled out of another dressing room. He was completely encased in three giant balls of artificial snow. Only his feet stuck out of the bottom ball, his arms out of holes in the sides of the middle ball, and his face poked out of a hole cut into the front of the top ball. "Did you say you feel ridiculous?" he asked Sartan, who was already on the floor laughing.
"Not quite done yet," Santa declared, picking up a top hat and putting it on Rix's snowy head. It immediately fell off.
"Oh, that won't do," Santa tutted to himself as he picked up the hat and held it onto Rix's head again. A staple gun was produced and the hat was stapled on.
"Agh!" Rix cried.
"I'm sorry, did I staple you?" Santa was immediately worried.
"I don't think so, but don't do that again. I almost made myself a yellow snowman."
Sartan continued to roll on the floor in laughter.
"Nova?"
"I'm not coming out."
"Get out here. Now," Santa commanded.
The dressing room door opened. Nova walked out in a skin tight white leotard wrapped round with thick red ribbon. Rix toppled over to join Sartan on the floor.
"Stop laughing or I'll kill you," Nova threatened the both of them.
"Now, now, Nova. Christmas spirit," Santa reminded him. "Where's your helmet?"
"I'm not wearing the helmet."
"Nova, we worked very hard to come up with an aerodynamic design for you so you can use your god-given speed if the need arises. The helmet is pivotal to reducing drag. Put it on."
"Reducing drag? Santa, I'm wearing a candy cane leotard. I AM drag!"
"Put it on," Santa commanded.
Nova muttered and produced a red and white helmet that curved smoothly backward and down, making him look exactly like a giant candy cane.
"Now you're a candy cane."
"Everyone can see my candy cane," Nova said as he stood with his hands over the important places.
"Nonsense. It's cold in the South Pole. There'll be nothing to see," Santa declared.
"Why can't I be an elf, too?"
"You're part of Zanta's scheduled Christmas pageant. These are perfect disguises. Let's get you to your sleigh."
Sartan paused and threw his long blonde elf hair over his shoulder after getting back to the sleigh.
"Hey, Santa. Can't you just use this sleigh we made to make your deliveries?" he asked.
Santa made a gesture and a crane backed up, lowering a sack full of goodies onto the sleigh.
"First of all," Santa stated, "Zanta needs to be stopped either way. Second of all," he gave the reins a tug.
The reindeer whinnied and began to pull the sleigh … or rather tried to pull the sleigh. Their effort was commendable as they strained and tugged, but they were going nowhere with such a weight in the sleigh. A wet, ripping sound made everyone concerned for the reindeers' safety for a moment. But for a moment only.
"Holy God," Nova turned away, holding his helmet over his face and gasping.
"I think I just went blind," Sartan declared, using his long elven hair to cover his nose and mouth.
"The sleigh would be too heavy for just two reindeer," Santa said - he had pulled a gas mask out of nowhere and donned it before the reindeer began to strain.
Santa gestured again and the crane removed the bag. An elf ran up and handed Santa a small bag. "For heaven's sake, feed them these candy canes. I have no idea what you did with the other ones, but give them to the reindeer," Santa ordered.
After the reindeer were fed, the three men climbed into the sleigh.
"Good luck, boys," Santa said before waving farewell. The sleigh rose into the air and turned due south.
Back in the clearing:
A small gathering of woodland creatures (among them, a slightly charred moose), gathered around a brightly decorated Christmas tree in the middle of the clearing. The tree consisted mostly of Harris, tied to a post, some branches stuffed down his shirt and pants, several strings of lights, and a series of ornaments of various shapes and sizes. Candy canes dangled from his ears and shirt collar.
"Any of you know how to untie knots?" Harris asked the congregation, but he was met with silence. "No respect," he muttered.
Date: 25 Dec 2003 11:30:04 EST
- Express Train to the South Pole -
"Well, first thing's first," Nova took charge, "what animal are we going to get to guide our sleigh?"
"I have an idea," Rix declared.
The cliffs of the Great Eagles:
"Is he going to keep screaming until he hits the ground?" Sartan asked, handing the binoculars to Nova.
Nova put the binoculars to his eyes and looked out over the cliffs. Giant Eagles soared in the distance. Rix, who had tried to prove giant eagles could be harnessed and put to work, was soaring lazily through the air as well: straight down.
"If he weren't flailing his arms around so wildly, he'd almost look graceful," Nova said.
Back at Nova's house:
Rix, bandaged and bruised from his fall, sat at the table drinking cocoa while Nova and Sartan brainstormed.
"Hey, we could make a floating sleigh and get magic dolphins to guide it down to the South Pole via the ocean. We'd come in right under the radar and everything."
Nova snapped his fingers and pointed at Sartan. "I like that idea."
The ocean:
Nova walked out of the water, soaking wet. Rix was sitting in a beach chair playing with the sand.
"Where's the surfboard sleigh?"
"Whale ate it," Nova plopped down in the sand next to the chair.
"Where's Sartan?"
"Whale ate him."
"What happened to the magic dolphins?"
"I think they were laughing while the whale ate Sartan."
A small geyser of water went up somewhere offshore. Nova got up and moved as Sartan came in for his final approach. Rix's sandcastle disintegrated as Sartan, shot out of the whale's spout, landed face down upon it.
"Now I know what sandwiches feel like when Rix is around," Sartan groaned and rolled over.
"Time for Plan C," Nova said.
Pegasus Ranch:
"Flying horses. Beautiful. Do you ever just stop and marvel at this strange little world we live in?" Nova stood with hands on hips, watching flying horses dip and wheel in the air above him.
"I'm marveling right now," Sartan said as he used a stick to scrape something unsavory off the bottom of his shoe.
"So how do we get these horses down and hooked up to a sleigh?" Rix asked.
"You just watch," Nova said as he revealed the coil of cowboy rope he was carrying and began to spin it around his head.
With the flick of the wrist, Nova roped himself a flying horse. Or rather, the flying horse had roped itself a Nova.
Back at Nova's house:
Nova was resting his very bruised head on the table, a bag of ice taped to the back of his neck.
"And then it kept kicking him in the head over and over," Sartan laughed as he related the story of Nova's horse roping exploit to Miror and Kaylan.
"Then it bit him on the butt when he tried to crawl away," Rix chimed in.
Kaylan giggled as Nova groaned.
"Daddy, you got bit on the butt!"
"So, no flying horses to guide your sleigh?" Miror was all too amused.
"They let it walk right past them after I tired it out," Nova pulled the bag of ice off of his head long enough to speak.
"Hey, I didn't want to get bit in the butt. It's my best ASSet," said Rix, right before he was hit in the head by a bag of ice.
"Can't we just staple some antlers to Rix's head, stick a rocket up his best asset and let him guide the sleigh?" Sartan sat on a rock in the middle of a forest clearing, watching Nova disassemble a rocket from a worn and battered sleigh.
"I'm thinking about it. Especially if he doesn't get here with the rocket man soon," Nova dropped the rocket into the snow and moved around the sleigh to remove another cylinder.
"What is this thing anyway?"
"This is the rocket sleigh we used the first time we helped Santa out. Someone told us where to find it after it uh … disappeared."
Before Sartan could ask another question, Rix entered the clearing followed by a guy carrying a large toolbox and an even larger book. Harris D'Artainian dropped his toolbox on the ground and followed Rix over to the sleigh.
"Hey, ladies," Harris offered a goofy grin to all present.
"Uh, where's the rocket guy?" Nova glared at Rix.
"This is the rocket guy," Rix replied, taking the book out of Harris's hands and handing it to Nova.
"Animal Rocketry and You: Get Certified in Thirty-days," Nova read the book cover, then immediately dropped the book as if it were on fire. "You've got to be kidding."
"Hey, man. I'm almost certified," Harris said as he picked up the book and dusted it off.
"There's no such thing as animal rocketry!"
"It's a new field. One of those career training online colleges."
It seemed as if the entire forest was staring at Harris.
"What? I have a lot of time on my hands. What better way to ease the pain of boredom than by strapping rockets to rats and sending them into space? It's every little rat's dream!"
"This must be bordering on illegal now," Sartan put in.
"It's only illegal if they die. I'm proud to say I've never lost a rat yet."
"How many times have you sent a rat into space?" Nova asked as he shook his head in disbelief.
"Well, never."
Nova threw his hands up into the air and walked away, practically convulsing with frustration.
"Tell them what you told me," Rix prodded.
"Right, well. Rats are too small to guide a sleigh, so we'll need something bigger. And thus, we'll need a bigger rocket," Harris started. He looked down and noticed the rockets Nova had removed from the sled lying in the snow. His eyes lit up as he bent down to pick them up and brush them off. "Hey, these are perfect. You guys are really on the ball!"
"Show them the plans," Rix nudged Harris and pointed to the toolbox.
"Oh right. Strangely enough, I had a plan like this already drawn up. If rats can fly, why not pigs?" Harris said as he opened his toolbox and produced a series of plans.
"We are NOT flying pigs to the SOUTH POLE!" Nova was beginning to turn red.
"I wasn't suggesting pigs," Harris replied smoothly, casually crumpling up a blueprint and tossing it over his shoulder. "I was suggesting reindeer."
"The lack of reindeer is what got us into this mess. Where are we going to find reindeer?" Sartan had to ask, as Nova was too busy turning purple out of sheer annoyance.
"Got that covered, too. Give me twenty minutes and I'll have a reindeer right here. Feel free to look over my genius plans while I'm gone," Harris left the plans on the sleigh and ran off into the forest.
Eighteen minutes later:
"Here we go!" Harris called out as he led a large black, bushy animal into the clearing.
"Where's the reindeer?" Sartan asked.
Harris blinked. "Are you blind? He's right here," he said and gestured to the animal he was leading.
"This is a moose," Sartan groaned.
"Really? Are you sure?"
"Pretty sure, Harris."
"Awesome!"
"Awesome?" Sartan asked, distracted for a moment as Nova began chasing Rix around the clearing, screaming something about strapping rockets to his fat butt and sending him off into space.
"Yeah. Bullwinkle could fly. Mooses must know how to fly, too."
"Uh, it was the squirrel that flew. Not Bullwinkle."
"Moose. Squirrel. Whatever. Don't doubt me. I'll have to change the plans a little, though."
The blueprints were spread out on the sleigh as Harris prepared the harnesses and rockets for their test run. Rix toddled up on shaky legs, covered in snow and dirt.
"What happened to you?" Harris asked.
"Nova doubts you," Rix said as he looked at the blueprints. Harris snickered.
"What's the moose saying here?" Rix asked as he pointed at the cartoonish blueprint drawing.
Harris dusted off his hands and walked over to the blueprint, proudly reading his work. "Moo."
Rix slapped his forehead and walked away, deciding to go bury himself in the snow before Nova found out. But Nova, a bit calmer than before, had heard the entire exchange and was prepared to step up to bat against the wild pitches of Harris's mind.
"Harris," he sighed, "Moose don't moo."
"Not true," Harris countered.
"Cows moo."
"True, but so do mooses."
"No, they don't."
"Mooses moo."
"Look, moose don't moo."
"How do you think mooses got their name? Mooooooooose. It's simple," Harris mooed again, just for effect.
Nova was about to suggest that they use Harris as a sleigh guidance system, but he managed to rein in his rage and turn to the moose. "Can you moo?"
The moose stood by placidly, casually chewing on some long grasses.
"Ugh!" Nova declared as he walked away, closely followed by a mooing Harris and a laughing Sartan.
"Idiots," the moose said quietly.
"Explain this to me again?"
"Okay, it's simple," Harris pointed at the rocket, which had been strapped vertically along the moose's flank, "Giving the rocket full power will launch the moose and sleigh into the air. I've modified the rocket so that, once you achieve optimal height, it then de-powers to a constant level of thrust. Just enough to keep everything aloft. That's when you kick in the other rocket that will be attached under the sleigh to move everything forward."
"That's pretty shady," Sartan said.
"It's perfectly safe. Here, hook up the moose to the sleigh and I'll give it a test run," Harris said as he began to tighten the harness around the moose.
"Uh, this is our only sleigh. Why don't you just test the thrust system on the moose first? We can always find another … moose if something goes wrong. We'll never find another sleigh," Nova was standing a good distance away from the moose, still shaking his head at the absurdity of the idea.
"Okay, suit yourself. I'm telling you, this will work," Harris said as he stepped over to the control box. "Protective goggles on," he commanded, lowering his own set of aviator goggles. The others followed suit.
"Houston, begin the countdown. Rocket armed," Harris flicked a switch, the rocket on the moose hummed to life. The moose stopped grazing long enough to look around.
"Ignition in five. Four. Three. Two. One," a button was pushed and a spectacular flash of light filled the clearing.
Immediately, the thrust of the rocket strapped to the moose's side flipped it over and sent it hurtling along the ground, through the clearing, and eventually into the forest beyond. After a moment, a loud crash was heard, followed by what could have been a groan, or possibly even a moo.
"All right. No one panic. She should be okay. We can just adjust the direction of thrust and try again."
As soon as the words left Harris's mouth, a giant explosion rocked the clearing, knocking all four men to the ground.
"Oops."
"Ugh. Let's try a reindeer this time."
The four men went off into the forest in search of a reindeer.
Five minutes later:
As if answering an age-old question of nature, a slightly charred moose climbed down out of a tree.
"Idiots," the moose grunted before shaking itself off and wandering back into the forest in search of less dangerous grazing grounds.
Sometime later:
Three reindeer had been herded into the clearing and stood ignorant of the possible horror in their immediate future. Just as Harris was preparing one for flight, a delivery van rolled into the clearing, "Claus Catering" emblazoned on its side.
"Delivery for … NASA?" the driver questioned, looking around at the smoke-filled clearing and the four men in tattered clothing.
"That's us," Nova walked up to greet the driver.
"Santa sent some lunch out for you guys. Where do you want it set up?"
"Eh, better keep it away from the launch area. Put it over there," Nova pointed.
Several men climbed out of the truck and set up a table, a giant pot of soup, and an arrangement of candy canes. The boys thanked them as they loaded back into the van.
"You know, you guys sure don't look like NASA," the driver said as he started the engine.
"Nova's Aeronautical Stupidity Association," Nova explained. "I'm Nova."
"Well, good luck," the driver said, casting a long glance at the rocket Harris was strapping to the test pilot reindeer. The van drove away as fast as its wheels could carry it.
"All right, lunch!" Harris said, halting his work in order to rub his hands together.
"Not so fast, Rocket man. Successful test, then eat," Nova commanded.
Harris muttered and went back to his work.
"All right. This is going to work this time, I swear. I've adjusted the rocket base for an even thrust. This reindeer is going up. I guarantee it," Harris stood behind the controls.
"Ignition sequence is started. Six. Five," he began.
"Just push the freaking button," Nova yelled.
"Fine. Spoiled sport," Harris said before jabbing the button down.
Another blinding flash, another rumble, but unlike before, the rocket began to lift the reindeer into the air.
"Sweet!"
"I told you guys, I know what I'm doing," Harris said proudly as he watched the reindeer begin its flight.
The four men watched the reindeer go up and up, soaring into the cloudy sky. Onward and upward, through the clouds, until it was little more than a light speck in the sky. A Rocketeer Reindeer - one small step in the direction of direct competition in the field of flying reindeer.
"Niiiiiice," Nova declared.
"Bring him back down and let's hook him up," Sartan said, happy the debacle didn't cost anymore innocent wildlife their lives.
"Oh, yeah," Harris mumbled. "Knew I forgot something."
"Forgot what?"
"Well," Harris scratched the back of his head. "I don't think that reindeer is coming down. Like ever."
"But, that was our last rocket," Rix said sadly. "Christmas is doomed."
"Oh, I can build more rockets. I'm smart like that. But I need to eat first. Can't be smart on an empty stomach," Harris said as he handed the controls to Rix before making his way over to the table of food.
"Where'd Nova go?" Rix looked around and then at Sartan.
"I think he went off into the forest to have a seizure of rage. Or maybe start digging a shallow grave to throw Harris in. Might as well eat."
"Ugggggh," Harris declared, "this isn't food. This is my dirty laundry."
Sartan slammed the lid of the soup pot back down and waved a hand in front of his face. "Santa wants us dead. I thought he was an okay guy, but this is flat out murder."
Rix leaned forward. "What is it?"
"I don't care. It smells like toilet water. And there's nasty stuff floating in it. At least there are candy canes to eat," said Harris.
Rix lifted the lid of the pot and sniffed. "I've eaten worse."
"I'll bet you have, Tubby," Sartan said as he offered a bowl to Rix. "Chow down."
Harris and Sartan each selected a candy cane and walked off muttering.
"Hey, I'm not going to eat this by myself," Rix called after them. "I don't want to be the only guy that dies if this is poisoned." He spooned out four bowls worth and carried them over to where Sartan and Harris sat.
"I'm not eating that," Sartan declared as Rix tried to hand him a bowl.
"Just hold onto it, then," Rix said as he passed another bowl to Harris.
"I'm going to go find Nova and see if he wants to eat, too. Maybe it will calm him down," Rix walked off into the forest in the direction of the cursing and the sounds of grave digging.
Harris and Sartan looked at each other as they sat there holding steaming bowls of smelly food. "I'll bet the reindeer won't even eat it," Sartan said.
"Twenty bucks?" Harris wagered.
"You're on."
"That grave is really deep just for Harris," Rix said as Nova led the way back into the clearing.
"I'm not going to kill Harris. I'm just going to strap a rocket to him and send him off after the reindeer. That grave is for the moose, if we ever find it. Can't leave any evidence," Nova said before being distracted by whooping and hollering from the launch area.
Nova ran to the middle of the clearing to find Sartan and Harris both laughing and holding onto lengths of rope which were tied around two reindeer - two reindeer that were hovering about fifty feet in the air above them.
"I told you I was smart like that!" Harris said as he slapped Nova on the shoulder.
Nova stood there staring up into the sky. "How did…?"
"No clue, but they're flying!"
"Whoa!" Rix cried as he finally caught up. "They're flying!"
The four men congratulated one another, laughing and hugging in celebration of this momentous event, none of them caring HOW the reindeer were flying, only that they succeeded. After a moment, the celebration wound down.
"What's that smell?" Nova furrowed his brow and looked around.
Harris sniffed himself to make sure, then shrugged. "Might be me."
"Ugh, let's attach the sleigh and get back to the North Pole for our final briefing."
"Hey, can I come with you guys?" Harris asked.
The three looked at one another as if thinking a singular thought.
The North Pole:
"Excellent, excellent work, boys. I see you followed my instructions to the letter," Santa said as he admired the sleigh and the two reindeer harnessed to it.
"Uh, right. Your instructions," Nova said, looking at Rix.
"Great instructions, Santa," Rix shrugged at Nova.
Santa was immediately suspicious. "You didn't follow the instructions?"
There was silence for a few moments. "There were instructions?" Sartan finally asked.
"The catering service. The food came with instructions. Mix equal parts candy cane and cabbage soup, feed to reindeer?"
Nova, Rix, and Sartan looked at each other, then started whistling innocently.
"Oh, no," Santa sighed. "How are they flying if you didn't use the magic mixture?"
"Oh, we fed them the soup," Sartan said.
"Just not the candy canes," Rix put in.
As if on cue, an odd stench wafted across Santa's courtyard. Everyone shifted uncomfortably.
"Well, let's get your disguises and then we can send you on your way," Santa said, eager to leave the presence of the reindeer.
"I feel ridiculous," Sartan declared, as he stood just outside a dressing room, clad in a long blonde wig, pointy ears, and buckskin clothing edged with green cotton.
"You should feel proud. You look exactly like an ageless elf," Santa chuckled, "It's a fantastic disguise."
Just then, Rix waddled out of another dressing room. He was completely encased in three giant balls of artificial snow. Only his feet stuck out of the bottom ball, his arms out of holes in the sides of the middle ball, and his face poked out of a hole cut into the front of the top ball. "Did you say you feel ridiculous?" he asked Sartan, who was already on the floor laughing.
"Not quite done yet," Santa declared, picking up a top hat and putting it on Rix's snowy head. It immediately fell off.
"Oh, that won't do," Santa tutted to himself as he picked up the hat and held it onto Rix's head again. A staple gun was produced and the hat was stapled on.
"Agh!" Rix cried.
"I'm sorry, did I staple you?" Santa was immediately worried.
"I don't think so, but don't do that again. I almost made myself a yellow snowman."
Sartan continued to roll on the floor in laughter.
"Nova?"
"I'm not coming out."
"Get out here. Now," Santa commanded.
The dressing room door opened. Nova walked out in a skin tight white leotard wrapped round with thick red ribbon. Rix toppled over to join Sartan on the floor.
"Stop laughing or I'll kill you," Nova threatened the both of them.
"Now, now, Nova. Christmas spirit," Santa reminded him. "Where's your helmet?"
"I'm not wearing the helmet."
"Nova, we worked very hard to come up with an aerodynamic design for you so you can use your god-given speed if the need arises. The helmet is pivotal to reducing drag. Put it on."
"Reducing drag? Santa, I'm wearing a candy cane leotard. I AM drag!"
"Put it on," Santa commanded.
Nova muttered and produced a red and white helmet that curved smoothly backward and down, making him look exactly like a giant candy cane.
"Now you're a candy cane."
"Everyone can see my candy cane," Nova said as he stood with his hands over the important places.
"Nonsense. It's cold in the South Pole. There'll be nothing to see," Santa declared.
"Why can't I be an elf, too?"
"You're part of Zanta's scheduled Christmas pageant. These are perfect disguises. Let's get you to your sleigh."
Sartan paused and threw his long blonde elf hair over his shoulder after getting back to the sleigh.
"Hey, Santa. Can't you just use this sleigh we made to make your deliveries?" he asked.
Santa made a gesture and a crane backed up, lowering a sack full of goodies onto the sleigh.
"First of all," Santa stated, "Zanta needs to be stopped either way. Second of all," he gave the reins a tug.
The reindeer whinnied and began to pull the sleigh … or rather tried to pull the sleigh. Their effort was commendable as they strained and tugged, but they were going nowhere with such a weight in the sleigh. A wet, ripping sound made everyone concerned for the reindeers' safety for a moment. But for a moment only.
"Holy God," Nova turned away, holding his helmet over his face and gasping.
"I think I just went blind," Sartan declared, using his long elven hair to cover his nose and mouth.
"The sleigh would be too heavy for just two reindeer," Santa said - he had pulled a gas mask out of nowhere and donned it before the reindeer began to strain.
Santa gestured again and the crane removed the bag. An elf ran up and handed Santa a small bag. "For heaven's sake, feed them these candy canes. I have no idea what you did with the other ones, but give them to the reindeer," Santa ordered.
After the reindeer were fed, the three men climbed into the sleigh.
"Good luck, boys," Santa said before waving farewell. The sleigh rose into the air and turned due south.
Back in the clearing:
A small gathering of woodland creatures (among them, a slightly charred moose), gathered around a brightly decorated Christmas tree in the middle of the clearing. The tree consisted mostly of Harris, tied to a post, some branches stuffed down his shirt and pants, several strings of lights, and a series of ornaments of various shapes and sizes. Candy canes dangled from his ears and shirt collar.
"Any of you know how to untie knots?" Harris asked the congregation, but he was met with silence. "No respect," he muttered.
-
DoS Archive
- Archivist
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From: novagreys@aol.com (Nova GreyS)
Date: 25 Dec 2003 11:31:00 EST
-Infiltrate and Defenestrate -
The sleigh landed on the far side of the globe. The South Pole. Where Magic Never Happens. It was a godforsaken, desolate piece of ice and rock. The tarmac on which they had touched down was only guarded by a small contingent of tall elves clad in winter parkas and carrying longbows.
"Kala," an elf said as he helped Sartan out of the sleigh. Rix tumbled out beside him and lay face down in the snow, unable to get up due to his costume's bulk.
"Uh, kala," Sartan replied.
"Llie del'elwa," the elf went on.
Sartan nodded and tried to look both sorry and understanding, but succeeded only in looking confused and somewhat frightened. Nova helped Rix upright.
"Which way to the Christmas pageant?" Nova asked, looking around.
The tall elf sighed. "That way," he pointed.
Sartan bowed profusely, mumbled a bunch of gibberish, and followed after Nova and Rix as they headed towards the warm indoors.
The inside of the bunker was dark and just as desolate as the land outside.
"Man, Mrs. Klaus keeps a warm household, huh?" Rix observed as he lagged behind the others.
"Try to keep up, Frosty. Let's find these stupid reindeer and get out of here," Nova whispered harshly over his shoulder.
"What's got your leotard in a twist, Speedy? That helmet too tight?"
"No, the leotard is too tight," Nova replied, pointing down.
Rix resisted the urge to follow the gesture, but conceded to the point. "Oh. Gotcha."
"Shhh, someone's coming," Sartan said, hearing footsteps echoing down the hall. Sartan ducked through a door, but immediately closed and locked it behind him, leaving Nova and Rix standing in the middle of the hallway looking like two misplaced lawn displays.
A tall man in a green suit and sunglasses turned the corner, followed by a contingent of elves. They all paused for a moment as Rix and Nova tried to look natural.
The man walked up to them slowly, regarding them with a careful eye as he stroked his goatee. "You do not look like you belong here," he said, his voice heavily accented.
"Uh, which way to the Christmas pageant?" Nova said with a smile.
"You are Santa's spies, are you not? We have been waiting for you," Zanta Klaus stated.
"Huh? We're not spies. We're part of the Christmas pageant. I'm Candy Bane and this is Fatty the Snowman," Nova explained as he pointed between Rix and himself.
Zanta smiled a charismatic smile. "Gentlemen, drop the act. There is no Christmas pageant. We spread that rumor to Santa's agents just in case he sent someone down here to disturb the operation. It would have been the perfect cover. And I must say, nice outfits."
"Ugh, stupid Santa," Nova muttered.
"Seize them," Zanta said as he casually waved the tall elves to duty.
"Hey, she's pretty hot," Nova said, looking at an elf as he was subdued. "Want to see a special candy cane?" The elf turned around and glared.
"Uh, Nova. That's a guy," Rix observed as he was pulled into the room that Sartan had entered, unlocked via a special keycode.
"No way," Nova wouldn't believe it.
"He's got stubble. It's a guy."
Nova cringed. "Cut your hair you stupid pansy elf!" he cried out as he was dragged away.
The room Nova and Rix were dragged into was sparsely decorated, but quaint. There was a fireplace with a large painting of Zanta above it. Shelves of books lined three walls with heavy purple curtains draped over the fourth from floor to ceiling. Zanta observed as Nova was tied to a chair, but grew impatient as the elves tried to get Rix to sit his bulbous costume down.
Zanta pushed the elves aside, punched the rear of Rix's costume flat, then shoved him down onto the seat and tied him up.
"Hey, Zanta. No offense, but you didn't pay for the rough stuff, so Rix'll have to charge you extra," Nova said, trying to look over his shoulder.
Zanta ignored him. "I will deal with the both of you after I make my deliveries to the bad little boys and girls of the world. Until then, enjoy our hospitality." He clicked his heels, turned, and walked out of the room, followed by the elves.
"What? No arch villain monologue!?" Nova called after him as the door shut.
As soon as the door was closed, Sartan peeked out from behind a curtain. "You guys are retards. Why didn't you hide?"
"We would have if you didn't slam the door in our face," Rix whined. "Zanta ties a nasty knot."
Sartan began crossing the room, but stopped halfway as the door's lock clicked open again. He immediately dove back behind the curtains.
"Whom were you talking to?" Zanta asked as he entered the room again.
"I was telling Rix what the going rate is for paddling Frosty's bottom so he can send you the bill," Nova quipped.
Zanta was undeterred. "Search the room," he commanded the elves. They set to work.
"What's behind this curtain?" an elf asked the hog-tied duo. He had noticed a foot peeking out from behind the curtain.
"I'm going to guess: a window," Nova shrugged.
"A wall," Rix guessed.
"A wall?" Nova tried to look over his shoulder at Rix, who was tied up behind him.
"You know, like the curtain is one of those wall decorations. The wall was just boring so they draped a curtain over it to make it look dramatic," said Rix. " I saw them do it on one of those room swapping shows on cable that Ally makes me watch."
"Why do I doubt Ally forces you to watch those shows, Fatty?"
The elf crossed the room and pulled the curtain aside to reveal … that the foot poking out from beneath it was simply a statue of a naked man posing with a javelin, left hand pointing at whatever it was he was planning on spearing. Nova and Rix exhaled in unison. The elf pulled the curtain back further to reveal Sartan.
Nova grumbled. "Oh look, Rix. We were both wrong. There was a stupid moron behind the curtain. C'mon over, we saved you a seat," Nova nodded to the last empty chair in the room, which had been set up in anticipation of another prisoner.
The elf led Sartan over and tied him to the chair.
"Why didn't you climb out the window, genius?" Nova muttered.
"There was no window. It was just a statue and a wall back there," Sartan said.
"Ha!" Rix bounced in his seat, happy to at least have been right. Apparently pansy elves watched room swapping shows as well.
"Is that all of you?" Zanta asked them as he gave them a deathly stare.
"Yeah, that's all of us. If there were anymore, our collective stupidity probably would have killed us by now," Nova replied.
Zanta nodded in complete agreement.
"Hey, you guys notice anything?" Rix asked.
"Yeah, this guy is exactly like MacKenzie, only he has a goatee and people actually listen when he talks," Nova replied, staring right at Zanta.
"No, not that."
"Yeah, all of Zanta's elves are super hot. Even the guys. That dude is checking you out, Nova," Sartan put in.
"Shut up."
"Nah, not that either," Rix said.
"Then what?"
"I was just going to say my suit is starting to melt. I feel like I wet myself."
"You probably did, Tubbs. At least we can call you Frosty the Yellow Snowman now."
"I didn't wet myself, I'm melting."
"Because you wet yourself."
There was a brief struggle as Rix tried to free himself to get at Nova. The three were startled by the sound of the door slamming. Zanta and his contingent of elves had decided to leave while they were busy arguing.
The trio sat in silence for a long while, not daring to speak to one another about their apparent failure. Nova, always one that was easily bored, began to struggle with his bonds, leaning back and forth, tugging and pulling.
"Stop leaning back, your stupid helmet keeps poking me in the back of the head," Rix broke the silence.
"Stop dripping all over the place, Old Yellow," Nova demanded.
"I can't help it if my costume is starting to melt. They don't make snowman suits like they used to. I didn't wet myself."
"It's okay, Rix," Sartan consoled him. "You're no less of a man because you can't control your bladder. I can see how those beautiful, gentle elves might scare you."
"My SUIT is MELTING," Rix proclaimed, loud and proud.
"Keep telling yourself that, Urinator," Nova suggested.
Rix was beginning to struggle in his seat, getting increasingly annoyed.
"I have perfect control over my bladder!"
"Yeah, we know. You haven't wet yourself in almost ten hours. Until right this minute, of course. Just short of a record, man. I'm proud of you," Sartan told him.
"I haven't wet myself now and I didn't wet myself ten hours ago!"
"Yes, you did. You wet yourself when you fell off the eagle before."
There was silence for a moment. "That's because I almost died!"
"I almost died when that horse took me down. I didn't wet myself," Nova declared.
"I have never peed my pants!" Rix hopped up and down, the chair creaked ominously.
"Now you're just plain lying," Sartan shook his head.
"ARGH!" Rix screamed as he struggled at his bonds. His costume quivered as he jumped his chair up and down in rage.
Suddenly, there was a sharp crack and then all was still. Sartan looked over his shoulder. The chair had shattered and Rix was laying flat on his back.
"Wow," observed Sartan.
"The Incredible Bulk strikes again," Nova smirked.
"You wouldn't like him when he's hungry."
"I should leave the both of you tied up here," Rix muttered as he dusted off his battered costume. He waddled forward towards his comrades, but then stopped short. In a flurry of enraged motions, Rix ripped the costume off his body and tossed it against the wall.
"Whoa there, Bulkster. Free us so we can get out of here and you can beat up Zanta and grab his jewelry," Nova suggested.
"No, I think I'll leave you here. Maybe I'll even join Zanta. He won't give me coal for Christmas," Rix made up his mind to betray the cause and walked towards the door. However, he found himself locked in.
"Uhhh … heheh, I was just kidding about that, you know" Rix explained, still trying to open the door.
"You're such a tool. Get over here and untie us," Nova demanded.
"No. I'm tired of getting coal."
"You moron, you never get coal. I switch your present for coal every year before you can see it. Then I switch your present into a box and say it's from me so I don't have to buy you anything," explained Nova.
"You mean, Santa doesn't actually hate me?"
"No, Rix, Santa loves you very much. In fact, he loves you so much, I wouldn't sleep on my stomach on Christmas Eve if I were you. Now untie us so we can get Santa's reindeer and make him a jolly old elf again."
A tear in his eye, Rix walked over to untie his friends.
"That's great. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Kind of like I just peed myself," Sartan said as he rubbed his wrists, "but we still have to get out of here if the door is locked."
"No problem, I'll just go up the chimney," Nova said, already sticking his head into the fireplace to make sure the way up was clear. "You guys let me know if you hear anyone coming. Hold my helmet," he said, giving the helmet to Sartan.
With that, Nova began to ascend.
"Uh oh." Nova's disembodied voice came down the chimney.
"Uh oh what?" Rix walked over to the fireplace and looked up.
"I'm stuck."
"Ha ha! Who's the Fatty now?!" Rix cried triumphantly.
"My leotard is caught on something, Fatty."
"Oh," Rix muttered, foiled again.
The sounds of a valiant struggle issued down the chimney, much cursing was involved. Finally:
-=shhhhhhhrip!=- "Ah crap."
"What now?"
"Well, let's just say I'm glad I wore underwear under this thing."
"Ewwww."
"Hey, Rixy, c'mere," Sartan called. He had gone back to the curtains and pulled them aside to reveal the statue.
"What's up?" Rix walked over, leaving Nova to his struggles inside the chimney.
Sartan put Nova's helmet onto the statue's head and then pointed at a plaque at the base of the statue.
"It says: 'Pull my finger to gain release'," Sartan read.
"Huh. Well, at least he didn't ask you to pull anything else," said Rix before slapping a hand down on the naked statue's shoulder. "Try it."
Sartan reached out and tugged on the statue's pointer finger.
"Cool, I heard something click," Sartan said.
Rix walked over to the door and tried to open it.
"Still locked. Try it again."
Once again, Sartan pulled the finger, and once again a click was heard.
"It's like there's a secret door, but I can't make out where it is. One more time," Rix stated.
Sartan reached out and tugged hard on the finger. Another click rang out and was soon followed by a tremendous flash of light and a fantastic -=fwoooooosh!=- sound. A jet of flame erupted straight up the chimney.
"WAAAAAAGGGGHHH!!"
Abruptly, the jet of flame stopped and, just as abruptly, a slightly charred Nova fell out of the fireplace and rolled onto the carpet.
"What … what happened?" Nova groaned.
"Um. Secret escape route. How are you feeling, champ?" Sartan asked as he helped Nova to his feet.
Nova smoldered. "A little burnt."
"Hey! I thought you said you wore underwear!" Rix cried before he shielded his eyes and turned away.
Nova looked down. "They must have burnt up."
"Bummer."
"They just would have been dirty anyway after that one," Nova shrugged.
"Ewwwwww."
"Anyway, I'm fairly certain that jet of flame cleared all of the obstructions. Let's head up the chimney," Nova said as he walked back to the fireplace on shaky legs. He stopped short for a moment, walked over to the curtained wall, tore down a curtain, and wrapped it around his waist. "Stupid Santa."
"Let's go, Pudge. Think skinny thoughts. Feel free to wet yourself again if you think it will grease the pathway," Nova called up the chimney. A few curses tumbled down the chimney.
"Fine, I'm out. All's clear," came the signal some moments later.
"You next," Nova said.
"Why don't you go?" Sartan asked.
"You want to look up my skirt while I climb?"
"Uh, point taken," Sartan said as he climbed into the fireplace and began to pull himself up the chimney. Nova followed closely behind.
It was cold up on the bunker's roof, but the boys were warmed by the sight they beheld upon looking out over the icy grounds. Directly below them was Zanta's sleigh, complete with reindeer and all of the gifts Zanta intended to give to all the bad little children of the world. In a twist of great Christmas fortune, the sleigh also appeared unguarded.
Nova slapped Rix on the back as if congratulating him for a job well done, but the footing was icy on the roof that night and Rix slipped, fell, and rolled down the steep incline, finally crash landing on the back of the sleigh some feet below.
"Well, that looked like fun," Nova said.
"I'd wait and see if he's still alive before I do it," Sartan cautioned.
The two looked over the edge of the roof. Eventually Rix groaned and started to stir.
"Good enough for me," Nova declared before dropping to the roof and rolling directly downhill. After a short drop, he landed right on top of Rix. Sartan followed soon after, along with most of the snow that had been clinging to the roof.
"That wasn't such a smart idea," Nova groaned as he rolled out of the back of the sleigh and into the driver's seat.
Sartan pushed Rix back down in order to get enough leverage to climb into the passenger seat. "Man, I had no idea Rudolph's nose was so bright."
"That's what years of alcoholism will do to a reindeer, man."
"Alcoholism? Can he be trusted to guide the sleigh?"
"Hey, he can be as drunk as he wants, it's me who's driving. Though I could use a drink about now," Nova said as he grabbed the reins.
But things were not to be quite so easy - just then, Zanta showed up dressed in his black and red Zanta suit.
"Not so fast, gentlemen," Zanta said, standing in their way.
"I'm all about fast, Zanta. Where's your elf posse?"
"They'll be here in a moment to destroy you," Zanta threatened.
"Oh, good," Nova said before cracking the reins, causing the reindeer to take off at a trot. Rudolph lowered his head and galloped forward at the defiant Zanta. It was obvious the evil Klaus had something sinister planned, for he didn't even blink as the sleigh hurtled towards him.
Apparently Zanta's sinister plot had figured that either Nova would steer around him or the sleigh would take off before reaching him, because the trio would later admit that Zanta Klaus looked pretty surprised when Rudolph struck him head on, knocked him down and then proceeded to prance right over him, along with eight other reindeer, a sleigh, and then an extra two reindeer that had been captured earlier and tethered to the back of the sleigh.
"Hey, wait, wait!" Rix called over the drum of hooves, just as the sleigh was about to take off. He was looking back over his shoulder at the still body of Zanta. Nova pulled the sleigh to a stop.
Rix climbed down off the sleigh, ran back to Zanta, rolled him over, and began rifling his pockets. In mere moments, he had run back to the sleigh and climbed aboard.
"Merry Christmas, guys," he said as he offered a pair of pants to Nova and a gaudy ring that read 'Zanta' spelled out in giant diamonds and sapphires to Sartan. The sleigh took off without a hitch as the gifts were given.
"Hey, thanks, Rix. Just what I wanted. A tacky eastern European pinky ring."
"Awesome. A pair of pants. You always know just what I need, Rix."
"Zanta's wad is in the front right pocket, too. It's not just a pair of pants," Rix nodded, smiling at his thoughtful gift.
"Uh," Nova began.
Rix hurried to cut him off. "His wad OF CASH."
"Oh, phew."
Nova reached back a hand to rummage through Zanta's bag of gifts for the bad little boys and girls of the world. He dragged a few wrapped presents out and handed one to Rix and one to Sartan. "Merry Christmas, guys!"
Rix tore open his package with gusto. "Awright! A toy oven!" He turned the box over. "Cooks cakes, pastries, and real animal flesh! Thanks, Nova!"
Sartan ripped the paper off his package and smiled. "The mega edition Cyborg of Murderous Rage: The DMV issue with real bullets. Man, Nova, this is the greatest gift I've ever gotten."
It was Sartan's turn to pass out gifts and he reached into the bag of Zanta goodies, holding out the carefully chosen presents.
Rix ripped the paper off and threw it over the side of the sleigh, smiling a silly smile, which immediately turned into a confused frown. "A Baby Wet-pants doll? I don't want a Baby Wet-pants doll."
"Hey, I put a lot of thought into that. You'll damn well like it," Sartan laughed.
"Deathmatch by Death!" Nova cried out as he took his eyes off the 'road' long enough to open his present. "You're the best, pal."
"Merry Christmas, Everyone!" the trio screamed over the sides of the sleigh, undoubtedly disturbing the sleeping souls below. But you know what? They didn't care. It was almost Chrismas and they knew, no matter what horrible gifts awaited them that on Christmas day: underwear, socks, perhaps even coal, they helped save Christmas … and by extension the world. Nothing would ever change that. Everyone could be happy and rest easy that night.
Somewhere below, hundreds of woodland creatures had gathered 'round the Harris-tree. "Yeah, Merry Christmas, ya jerks," Harris muttered as he looked up to watch the sleigh streak by overhead.
Well, maybe not everyone.
(Happy Holidays, everyone!)
Date: 25 Dec 2003 11:31:00 EST
-Infiltrate and Defenestrate -
The sleigh landed on the far side of the globe. The South Pole. Where Magic Never Happens. It was a godforsaken, desolate piece of ice and rock. The tarmac on which they had touched down was only guarded by a small contingent of tall elves clad in winter parkas and carrying longbows.
"Kala," an elf said as he helped Sartan out of the sleigh. Rix tumbled out beside him and lay face down in the snow, unable to get up due to his costume's bulk.
"Uh, kala," Sartan replied.
"Llie del'elwa," the elf went on.
Sartan nodded and tried to look both sorry and understanding, but succeeded only in looking confused and somewhat frightened. Nova helped Rix upright.
"Which way to the Christmas pageant?" Nova asked, looking around.
The tall elf sighed. "That way," he pointed.
Sartan bowed profusely, mumbled a bunch of gibberish, and followed after Nova and Rix as they headed towards the warm indoors.
The inside of the bunker was dark and just as desolate as the land outside.
"Man, Mrs. Klaus keeps a warm household, huh?" Rix observed as he lagged behind the others.
"Try to keep up, Frosty. Let's find these stupid reindeer and get out of here," Nova whispered harshly over his shoulder.
"What's got your leotard in a twist, Speedy? That helmet too tight?"
"No, the leotard is too tight," Nova replied, pointing down.
Rix resisted the urge to follow the gesture, but conceded to the point. "Oh. Gotcha."
"Shhh, someone's coming," Sartan said, hearing footsteps echoing down the hall. Sartan ducked through a door, but immediately closed and locked it behind him, leaving Nova and Rix standing in the middle of the hallway looking like two misplaced lawn displays.
A tall man in a green suit and sunglasses turned the corner, followed by a contingent of elves. They all paused for a moment as Rix and Nova tried to look natural.
The man walked up to them slowly, regarding them with a careful eye as he stroked his goatee. "You do not look like you belong here," he said, his voice heavily accented.
"Uh, which way to the Christmas pageant?" Nova said with a smile.
"You are Santa's spies, are you not? We have been waiting for you," Zanta Klaus stated.
"Huh? We're not spies. We're part of the Christmas pageant. I'm Candy Bane and this is Fatty the Snowman," Nova explained as he pointed between Rix and himself.
Zanta smiled a charismatic smile. "Gentlemen, drop the act. There is no Christmas pageant. We spread that rumor to Santa's agents just in case he sent someone down here to disturb the operation. It would have been the perfect cover. And I must say, nice outfits."
"Ugh, stupid Santa," Nova muttered.
"Seize them," Zanta said as he casually waved the tall elves to duty.
"Hey, she's pretty hot," Nova said, looking at an elf as he was subdued. "Want to see a special candy cane?" The elf turned around and glared.
"Uh, Nova. That's a guy," Rix observed as he was pulled into the room that Sartan had entered, unlocked via a special keycode.
"No way," Nova wouldn't believe it.
"He's got stubble. It's a guy."
Nova cringed. "Cut your hair you stupid pansy elf!" he cried out as he was dragged away.
The room Nova and Rix were dragged into was sparsely decorated, but quaint. There was a fireplace with a large painting of Zanta above it. Shelves of books lined three walls with heavy purple curtains draped over the fourth from floor to ceiling. Zanta observed as Nova was tied to a chair, but grew impatient as the elves tried to get Rix to sit his bulbous costume down.
Zanta pushed the elves aside, punched the rear of Rix's costume flat, then shoved him down onto the seat and tied him up.
"Hey, Zanta. No offense, but you didn't pay for the rough stuff, so Rix'll have to charge you extra," Nova said, trying to look over his shoulder.
Zanta ignored him. "I will deal with the both of you after I make my deliveries to the bad little boys and girls of the world. Until then, enjoy our hospitality." He clicked his heels, turned, and walked out of the room, followed by the elves.
"What? No arch villain monologue!?" Nova called after him as the door shut.
As soon as the door was closed, Sartan peeked out from behind a curtain. "You guys are retards. Why didn't you hide?"
"We would have if you didn't slam the door in our face," Rix whined. "Zanta ties a nasty knot."
Sartan began crossing the room, but stopped halfway as the door's lock clicked open again. He immediately dove back behind the curtains.
"Whom were you talking to?" Zanta asked as he entered the room again.
"I was telling Rix what the going rate is for paddling Frosty's bottom so he can send you the bill," Nova quipped.
Zanta was undeterred. "Search the room," he commanded the elves. They set to work.
"What's behind this curtain?" an elf asked the hog-tied duo. He had noticed a foot peeking out from behind the curtain.
"I'm going to guess: a window," Nova shrugged.
"A wall," Rix guessed.
"A wall?" Nova tried to look over his shoulder at Rix, who was tied up behind him.
"You know, like the curtain is one of those wall decorations. The wall was just boring so they draped a curtain over it to make it look dramatic," said Rix. " I saw them do it on one of those room swapping shows on cable that Ally makes me watch."
"Why do I doubt Ally forces you to watch those shows, Fatty?"
The elf crossed the room and pulled the curtain aside to reveal … that the foot poking out from beneath it was simply a statue of a naked man posing with a javelin, left hand pointing at whatever it was he was planning on spearing. Nova and Rix exhaled in unison. The elf pulled the curtain back further to reveal Sartan.
Nova grumbled. "Oh look, Rix. We were both wrong. There was a stupid moron behind the curtain. C'mon over, we saved you a seat," Nova nodded to the last empty chair in the room, which had been set up in anticipation of another prisoner.
The elf led Sartan over and tied him to the chair.
"Why didn't you climb out the window, genius?" Nova muttered.
"There was no window. It was just a statue and a wall back there," Sartan said.
"Ha!" Rix bounced in his seat, happy to at least have been right. Apparently pansy elves watched room swapping shows as well.
"Is that all of you?" Zanta asked them as he gave them a deathly stare.
"Yeah, that's all of us. If there were anymore, our collective stupidity probably would have killed us by now," Nova replied.
Zanta nodded in complete agreement.
"Hey, you guys notice anything?" Rix asked.
"Yeah, this guy is exactly like MacKenzie, only he has a goatee and people actually listen when he talks," Nova replied, staring right at Zanta.
"No, not that."
"Yeah, all of Zanta's elves are super hot. Even the guys. That dude is checking you out, Nova," Sartan put in.
"Shut up."
"Nah, not that either," Rix said.
"Then what?"
"I was just going to say my suit is starting to melt. I feel like I wet myself."
"You probably did, Tubbs. At least we can call you Frosty the Yellow Snowman now."
"I didn't wet myself, I'm melting."
"Because you wet yourself."
There was a brief struggle as Rix tried to free himself to get at Nova. The three were startled by the sound of the door slamming. Zanta and his contingent of elves had decided to leave while they were busy arguing.
The trio sat in silence for a long while, not daring to speak to one another about their apparent failure. Nova, always one that was easily bored, began to struggle with his bonds, leaning back and forth, tugging and pulling.
"Stop leaning back, your stupid helmet keeps poking me in the back of the head," Rix broke the silence.
"Stop dripping all over the place, Old Yellow," Nova demanded.
"I can't help it if my costume is starting to melt. They don't make snowman suits like they used to. I didn't wet myself."
"It's okay, Rix," Sartan consoled him. "You're no less of a man because you can't control your bladder. I can see how those beautiful, gentle elves might scare you."
"My SUIT is MELTING," Rix proclaimed, loud and proud.
"Keep telling yourself that, Urinator," Nova suggested.
Rix was beginning to struggle in his seat, getting increasingly annoyed.
"I have perfect control over my bladder!"
"Yeah, we know. You haven't wet yourself in almost ten hours. Until right this minute, of course. Just short of a record, man. I'm proud of you," Sartan told him.
"I haven't wet myself now and I didn't wet myself ten hours ago!"
"Yes, you did. You wet yourself when you fell off the eagle before."
There was silence for a moment. "That's because I almost died!"
"I almost died when that horse took me down. I didn't wet myself," Nova declared.
"I have never peed my pants!" Rix hopped up and down, the chair creaked ominously.
"Now you're just plain lying," Sartan shook his head.
"ARGH!" Rix screamed as he struggled at his bonds. His costume quivered as he jumped his chair up and down in rage.
Suddenly, there was a sharp crack and then all was still. Sartan looked over his shoulder. The chair had shattered and Rix was laying flat on his back.
"Wow," observed Sartan.
"The Incredible Bulk strikes again," Nova smirked.
"You wouldn't like him when he's hungry."
"I should leave the both of you tied up here," Rix muttered as he dusted off his battered costume. He waddled forward towards his comrades, but then stopped short. In a flurry of enraged motions, Rix ripped the costume off his body and tossed it against the wall.
"Whoa there, Bulkster. Free us so we can get out of here and you can beat up Zanta and grab his jewelry," Nova suggested.
"No, I think I'll leave you here. Maybe I'll even join Zanta. He won't give me coal for Christmas," Rix made up his mind to betray the cause and walked towards the door. However, he found himself locked in.
"Uhhh … heheh, I was just kidding about that, you know" Rix explained, still trying to open the door.
"You're such a tool. Get over here and untie us," Nova demanded.
"No. I'm tired of getting coal."
"You moron, you never get coal. I switch your present for coal every year before you can see it. Then I switch your present into a box and say it's from me so I don't have to buy you anything," explained Nova.
"You mean, Santa doesn't actually hate me?"
"No, Rix, Santa loves you very much. In fact, he loves you so much, I wouldn't sleep on my stomach on Christmas Eve if I were you. Now untie us so we can get Santa's reindeer and make him a jolly old elf again."
A tear in his eye, Rix walked over to untie his friends.
"That's great. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. Kind of like I just peed myself," Sartan said as he rubbed his wrists, "but we still have to get out of here if the door is locked."
"No problem, I'll just go up the chimney," Nova said, already sticking his head into the fireplace to make sure the way up was clear. "You guys let me know if you hear anyone coming. Hold my helmet," he said, giving the helmet to Sartan.
With that, Nova began to ascend.
"Uh oh." Nova's disembodied voice came down the chimney.
"Uh oh what?" Rix walked over to the fireplace and looked up.
"I'm stuck."
"Ha ha! Who's the Fatty now?!" Rix cried triumphantly.
"My leotard is caught on something, Fatty."
"Oh," Rix muttered, foiled again.
The sounds of a valiant struggle issued down the chimney, much cursing was involved. Finally:
-=shhhhhhhrip!=- "Ah crap."
"What now?"
"Well, let's just say I'm glad I wore underwear under this thing."
"Ewwww."
"Hey, Rixy, c'mere," Sartan called. He had gone back to the curtains and pulled them aside to reveal the statue.
"What's up?" Rix walked over, leaving Nova to his struggles inside the chimney.
Sartan put Nova's helmet onto the statue's head and then pointed at a plaque at the base of the statue.
"It says: 'Pull my finger to gain release'," Sartan read.
"Huh. Well, at least he didn't ask you to pull anything else," said Rix before slapping a hand down on the naked statue's shoulder. "Try it."
Sartan reached out and tugged on the statue's pointer finger.
"Cool, I heard something click," Sartan said.
Rix walked over to the door and tried to open it.
"Still locked. Try it again."
Once again, Sartan pulled the finger, and once again a click was heard.
"It's like there's a secret door, but I can't make out where it is. One more time," Rix stated.
Sartan reached out and tugged hard on the finger. Another click rang out and was soon followed by a tremendous flash of light and a fantastic -=fwoooooosh!=- sound. A jet of flame erupted straight up the chimney.
"WAAAAAAGGGGHHH!!"
Abruptly, the jet of flame stopped and, just as abruptly, a slightly charred Nova fell out of the fireplace and rolled onto the carpet.
"What … what happened?" Nova groaned.
"Um. Secret escape route. How are you feeling, champ?" Sartan asked as he helped Nova to his feet.
Nova smoldered. "A little burnt."
"Hey! I thought you said you wore underwear!" Rix cried before he shielded his eyes and turned away.
Nova looked down. "They must have burnt up."
"Bummer."
"They just would have been dirty anyway after that one," Nova shrugged.
"Ewwwwww."
"Anyway, I'm fairly certain that jet of flame cleared all of the obstructions. Let's head up the chimney," Nova said as he walked back to the fireplace on shaky legs. He stopped short for a moment, walked over to the curtained wall, tore down a curtain, and wrapped it around his waist. "Stupid Santa."
"Let's go, Pudge. Think skinny thoughts. Feel free to wet yourself again if you think it will grease the pathway," Nova called up the chimney. A few curses tumbled down the chimney.
"Fine, I'm out. All's clear," came the signal some moments later.
"You next," Nova said.
"Why don't you go?" Sartan asked.
"You want to look up my skirt while I climb?"
"Uh, point taken," Sartan said as he climbed into the fireplace and began to pull himself up the chimney. Nova followed closely behind.
It was cold up on the bunker's roof, but the boys were warmed by the sight they beheld upon looking out over the icy grounds. Directly below them was Zanta's sleigh, complete with reindeer and all of the gifts Zanta intended to give to all the bad little children of the world. In a twist of great Christmas fortune, the sleigh also appeared unguarded.
Nova slapped Rix on the back as if congratulating him for a job well done, but the footing was icy on the roof that night and Rix slipped, fell, and rolled down the steep incline, finally crash landing on the back of the sleigh some feet below.
"Well, that looked like fun," Nova said.
"I'd wait and see if he's still alive before I do it," Sartan cautioned.
The two looked over the edge of the roof. Eventually Rix groaned and started to stir.
"Good enough for me," Nova declared before dropping to the roof and rolling directly downhill. After a short drop, he landed right on top of Rix. Sartan followed soon after, along with most of the snow that had been clinging to the roof.
"That wasn't such a smart idea," Nova groaned as he rolled out of the back of the sleigh and into the driver's seat.
Sartan pushed Rix back down in order to get enough leverage to climb into the passenger seat. "Man, I had no idea Rudolph's nose was so bright."
"That's what years of alcoholism will do to a reindeer, man."
"Alcoholism? Can he be trusted to guide the sleigh?"
"Hey, he can be as drunk as he wants, it's me who's driving. Though I could use a drink about now," Nova said as he grabbed the reins.
But things were not to be quite so easy - just then, Zanta showed up dressed in his black and red Zanta suit.
"Not so fast, gentlemen," Zanta said, standing in their way.
"I'm all about fast, Zanta. Where's your elf posse?"
"They'll be here in a moment to destroy you," Zanta threatened.
"Oh, good," Nova said before cracking the reins, causing the reindeer to take off at a trot. Rudolph lowered his head and galloped forward at the defiant Zanta. It was obvious the evil Klaus had something sinister planned, for he didn't even blink as the sleigh hurtled towards him.
Apparently Zanta's sinister plot had figured that either Nova would steer around him or the sleigh would take off before reaching him, because the trio would later admit that Zanta Klaus looked pretty surprised when Rudolph struck him head on, knocked him down and then proceeded to prance right over him, along with eight other reindeer, a sleigh, and then an extra two reindeer that had been captured earlier and tethered to the back of the sleigh.
"Hey, wait, wait!" Rix called over the drum of hooves, just as the sleigh was about to take off. He was looking back over his shoulder at the still body of Zanta. Nova pulled the sleigh to a stop.
Rix climbed down off the sleigh, ran back to Zanta, rolled him over, and began rifling his pockets. In mere moments, he had run back to the sleigh and climbed aboard.
"Merry Christmas, guys," he said as he offered a pair of pants to Nova and a gaudy ring that read 'Zanta' spelled out in giant diamonds and sapphires to Sartan. The sleigh took off without a hitch as the gifts were given.
"Hey, thanks, Rix. Just what I wanted. A tacky eastern European pinky ring."
"Awesome. A pair of pants. You always know just what I need, Rix."
"Zanta's wad is in the front right pocket, too. It's not just a pair of pants," Rix nodded, smiling at his thoughtful gift.
"Uh," Nova began.
Rix hurried to cut him off. "His wad OF CASH."
"Oh, phew."
Nova reached back a hand to rummage through Zanta's bag of gifts for the bad little boys and girls of the world. He dragged a few wrapped presents out and handed one to Rix and one to Sartan. "Merry Christmas, guys!"
Rix tore open his package with gusto. "Awright! A toy oven!" He turned the box over. "Cooks cakes, pastries, and real animal flesh! Thanks, Nova!"
Sartan ripped the paper off his package and smiled. "The mega edition Cyborg of Murderous Rage: The DMV issue with real bullets. Man, Nova, this is the greatest gift I've ever gotten."
It was Sartan's turn to pass out gifts and he reached into the bag of Zanta goodies, holding out the carefully chosen presents.
Rix ripped the paper off and threw it over the side of the sleigh, smiling a silly smile, which immediately turned into a confused frown. "A Baby Wet-pants doll? I don't want a Baby Wet-pants doll."
"Hey, I put a lot of thought into that. You'll damn well like it," Sartan laughed.
"Deathmatch by Death!" Nova cried out as he took his eyes off the 'road' long enough to open his present. "You're the best, pal."
"Merry Christmas, Everyone!" the trio screamed over the sides of the sleigh, undoubtedly disturbing the sleeping souls below. But you know what? They didn't care. It was almost Chrismas and they knew, no matter what horrible gifts awaited them that on Christmas day: underwear, socks, perhaps even coal, they helped save Christmas … and by extension the world. Nothing would ever change that. Everyone could be happy and rest easy that night.
Somewhere below, hundreds of woodland creatures had gathered 'round the Harris-tree. "Yeah, Merry Christmas, ya jerks," Harris muttered as he looked up to watch the sleigh streak by overhead.
Well, maybe not everyone.
(Happy Holidays, everyone!)