Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

[DoS Archive]

From: cptellisamorgan@aol.com (Cpt EllisaMorgan)
Date: 18 Jun 2000 15:20:10 EDT


Distance Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

*Written by Ellisa Morgan and Jugula


The task set for Paul turned out to be exceedingly simple, Billy Ray was actually spending some time at his establishment, The Dead Nicholas. That left nothing for Paul to do except somehow get the troll to follow him to the place, something he'd have to remember to thank Ellisa for at a later date, he thought wryly.

"How in the world do you get a troll to follow you without perceiving you as the treat at the end of the line?" Paul had argued quietly with Ellisa to no avail earlier that morning. She was an immobile mountain of "just get it done."

He sighed as he approached where the troll had last been spotted sleeping off a night of dueling and ale. "I wonder if it, or she, needs to do such mundane things as sleep." Not a pleasant thought for him as he called out softly, after all there had to be some chance that she wasn't around, "Warlady Jugula?"

The great troll mother opened her left eye, the green flecks coalescing into a focused pupil as she swiveled her mossy-maned head to regard the man who spoke her name.

"Jugula... Rest now. Smash little man... Later."

"I see, smash little man ... later," he sighed heavily for he doubted that Ellisa would take that as a reason to hike his tail between his legs and become scarce.

The Grendeldam heaved her staggering bulk to one side and rolled over, trying to blot out both the sunlight that filtered through her fir tree teepee and the muttering tones of the little man who had disturbed her dignified repose.

"A troll she says, how ugly could she be, thought I? Reason with her, she says, speak respectfully to her she says," the soft litany his barrier against the rising fear he felt. Ellisa was good at many things, but apparently dealing with trolls was not among the list as her advice of the morning became transparently ill conceived.

With a sudden, rip-snorting roar, Jugula fell back into her forest-shaking snore, happily adrift in swampy dreams.

A lone dormouse poked its head out from her misshapen ear, regarded Paul distrustfully, and scurried off into Jugula's moss-strewn green mane with a squeak.

"Just a little side trip, she says," with a thunderous sigh Paul decided perhaps the direct route was best, as that was what he was skilled at and so with a grin he called out softly, "My pardons, great Grendaldam, but I was instructed to be your very meek and dreadfully foul-tasting guide to Lord Billy Ray Karnafexx. If now is a bad time..."

He let that drift off, hoping his words would be lost in the midst of some trollish dream, a dream that upon conjuring some likeness of what that might entail caused him to shudder.

Her eyes snapped open, blazing with the bright green flame of obsession, and the troll mother heaved herself to her splayed feet with a grunted snarl of effort. She threw arms up to either side, stretching suddenly to her full, unhunched height of thirteen feet, her fists smashing the fir tree teepee to flinders and sending fragments of sappy wood hurtling outward in a shower of pulp and sticky lumber.

"WHERE LITTLE MAN FIND BILLY RAY?!?"

A resounding silence captured the entire forest, no natural beast moving a twitch in the wake of the troll mothers Great Voice.

Her great chest heaving, Jugula slowly lowered her eyes and hunched down to her accustomed slouch, eyes moving ever closer to Paul's own as her repellent breath scorched his nostrils.

It should be noted here that Paul, whom has never been accused of cowardice, discovered the perfectly natural reaction that this fearsome display of something "never meant to be witnessed by human eyes" drama as it unfolded let alone be close enough for him to *feel* the earth rumble and, quite unfortunately smell, jumped no few than two feet upwards and three feet back.

"I... I... I..." It should be a secondary note that Paul never before in his life stuttered. "He... he... he..."

Jugula's eyes narrowed slightly, and she growled at him through clenched yellow teeth.

"Little man... Tell now. Tell or Jugula eat."

Well, if ever a good reason to snap out of shock was required or in fact delivered at the time of need, that was it. In an absolute torrent of words Paul replied, "HeisattheDeadNicholas, Icantakeyoutherenowifyouwant,soonerthannow," a breath,"Nowlikerightnow,comeonnow."

The Grendeldam screwed her face into a sour frown, puzzling through the strange cant of his speech. She decided that the meaning of his words would not matter -- he would take her to Billy Ray, or he would serve as her first meal of the new day.

"Little man... Lead now. Lead or Jugula pick teeth with bones."

She reached behind her to her shattered nest, and raised a badly gnawed ogre femur to show him last night's midnight snack -- a thigh bone nearly three feet long.

With a grunt, she crushed the masticated femur in her trembling fist, splintering the saliva-bleached bone into small fragments before licking the marrow dust from her palm.

"Pick ... teeth ... with ... bloody hell!" Paul muttered further and most incoherently as he waved her to follow, his cheeks drained of colour, paled by the display of a huge thigh bone.

His strides were lengthened by fear, of both that behind him and the thought of Ellisa should he come racing back to her deed incomplete, crying like a two month old puppy that had just been kicked.

Thankfully, and he did thank God profusely during this particular "stroll" the Dead Nicholas was not far off.

Grumbling distrustfully, concerned that the little man had prepared a trap but confident that she was hungry enough to eat his accomplices when she was done with him, the Grendeldam followed Paul.

Upon arriving at the Dead Nicholas, his face covered in a fine sheen of perspiration, he wasted no time in knocking -- all right banging violently -- on the door.

Jugula reached forward, picked Paul up like a porcelain doll, and gently set him aside.

"Juggy Ray handle this."

With a small grunt, she pulled one arm back and slammed her open palm against the door. A momentary scream of twisting metal pierced the air as the hinges were torn asunder, the lock splintered, and the door half flew, half fell inward under the troll mother's tender ministrations.

"Billy... I'm hooOOOoome..."

Paul was sure this was not how Ellisa planned for events to unfold, then again with her sense of humour, this was probably *exactly* how she planned for events to unfold. But even she could not have timed things better, for as the dust settled Paul could clearly see the face of none other than the man himself, Billy Ray Karnafexx.

[DoS Archive]

From: karnafexx@aol.com (Karnafexx)
Date: 28 Jun 2000 14:44:05 EDT

Ray was downstairs in the basement of the Dead Nicholas, now refurbished into a state of the art gym. He was laying flat on a reinforced bench, his arms quivering as he lifted the 700 pound set of weights over his head. "13...14....one more...come..ON..15!"
There was a loud crash as his arms collapsed and the bar fell into the specially designed holder.

The former member of the ACE branch of the Secret Service stood up slowly and surveyed his bare-chested form in the wall mirror.
Thirty-five years old but his body aging process had slowed down dramatically so that he still appeared in his early twenties. His body was cut from mythological proportions. A perfect definition and symmetry that not even the hard core steroid users could ever have hoped to achieve. A light sheen of sweat covered his torso, giving him a slightly glowing look, as the light reflected off his body.

"Mr. Ray!?" Came a voice behind him, laced with an odd blend of fear and excitement. Ray turned and regarded Sascha the bartender, a man touched by the same virus he himself was afflicted with. Where he had been physical attributes far exceeding mankind, Sascha had been given the ability to surface skim thoughts off of people, making him an invaluable asset to the Dead Nicholas. A handsome man, Sascha could have been the object of many a ladies
attentions had it not been for the fact that he had a smooth expanse of skin where his eyes should have been. He was a joker, nearly a deuce, but not an ace by any means.

"What is it Sascha?" Billy replied in a calm, even voice as he toweled the sweat from his chest.

"It's..uh..I don't know, Sir! There are two somethings...one is scared nearly senseless and one is...different. It's not human, or if it is, it's not too smart. I sense anger, frustration.. and... and.." He trailed off then, his cheeks taking on a reddish tint. "And a base animal sexuality... focused on you. But it's not normal, it's brutal..and dangerous." Sascha nudged a 45 pound weight with his shoe as he shifted uncomfortably before Ray.

William strode past Sascha and patted his shoulder. "Sex, violence and frustration... sounds like a convention of my ex girlfriends. Let me handle this." He then took the stairs two at a time, his posture denying the glib words spoken just a moment before.

Just as he came through the tap room and parted the wine colored curtains to the front door, it burst off the hinges and fell to the side in a cloud of dust and splinters. It took his mind a second to register the guttural "BILLY I'M HoOoOoME!" but he was prepared for the worst as a man stumbled out of the dust and sprawled at his feet.

As he reached down to grab a handful of the man's head, something green and large flickered in his peripheral vision and he shot back up, hands raised, ready to strike. The thing was enormous, ugly and something Billy had convinced himself was only a bad dream.

"YOU!" He shouted, flinching back as if someone had thrown a piece of rotted meat at him. Then the two locked eyes and all was silent.